Bubba is 4 months old!!

OMGoodness, time flies! Bubba turned 4 months old this past Sunday. I can't believe how quickly time is passing.

This past Sunday we went to church (trying to make it a regular thing) and I gave in (up) and left Bubba in the nursery (the 0-6 month room. He had one on one care. They paged me to feed him, and we went to the "cry room" to do it, so I could still see and hear the sermon.) I guess I'm not as anal about everything like I was with Kiwi.

Bubba has found his feet this month and loves to kick them and hold them. He has also learned how to hold objects. He loves his rattle. It is so adorable to watch him shake it, and to play on his play mat. He grabs, bats, kicks his toys. He is rolling over pretty frequently now, back to tummy. He hasn't mastered how to roll back onto his back though. Sadly, Bubba is also losing his baby hair now too. (No long just the patch on the back of his head, but the hair on top.)Kiwi was a baldy for so long, it is sad to see his hair go.

He had his 4 month check (and shots) today. He is 26.5 in long (90%) and 14 lbs exactly (25% or 40%. I saw that bc the PA wrote 25% on the paper, but verbally told us 40%..??)We have been given the ok to start him on rice cereal mixed with breast milk or formula. Since I don't pump (due to mastitus,) I'm going to have to do formula. That has me feeling guilty and uneasy. I think with Kiwi we always did water. But she was NOT a fan of the cereal at all! The PA told me I could bottle feed or spoon feed it to him. (Spoon if he is able to hold his head up right while sitting.) I think I'll try him out in the bumbo chair.

So, some advice/ input please. We bought Earth's Best rice cereal and were given Gerber Good Start formula from the doc. Anyone have any input on either of those? With Kiwi we used Gerber cereal, but while shopping I compared the labels and there was so much stuff add to the Gerber cereal ingredients, so we choose Earth's Best.

Parenting, PAIL April monthly theme post

Hello all, I hope everyone had a great Easter. We had a wonderful day. We attended church for the first time as a family, and we all loved it! We then went to a minor league baseball game followed by an egg hunt on the field. We came home and did our own egg hunt, then went out to dinner.

PAIL monthly theme post this month is on parenting. What our parenting style is. I don't really think I have a style. I just do the best I can and hope/pray for the best. LOL. I am an easy going, go with the flow, push over, kind of Mom. I give in way too much, punish way too little. I believe that you should pick your battles. To me there is no reason to have a fight with my toddler over something small or that doesn't matter. (ex. if she wants to bring a toy in the car with us that is a "home" toy and I say no, I'll give in if she throws a fit bc in the end, her bringing the toy is not hurting anything, it would make her happy.) However, if it is something major, or would cause danger, I am firm! I always thought I'd be a "time out" Mom. However, the few times I've attempted to put Kiwi in time out have turned into disasters. I had to sit and physically hold her in place the last time I tried. All the other times, she just thinks it's a game. Even going as far as when playing asking me if she can go to time out, or acting out time out with her toys. LOL. I believe in open handed spanking on the bottom. However, I rarely do it. (I'll admit that I have been doing much more spanking since Bubba came. I don't know if I am just less patient, or if she is more naughty. I think a little of both, honestly. She just gets into everything now that I am not hovering over her. I've found her in the dishwasher, sitting in the freezer (we have a bottom pull out freezer), kitchen sink with he faucet on and on every counter top in the house.

G has accused me (as he thinks that it is a bad thing) of being a "helicopter parent." Because I always hover over Kiwi. He has also claimed that I spoiled her by holding her too much and cuddling her too much as a baby. I firmly believe that you can not spiol a baby by holding and giving love to them!!

I will admit, prior to having Bubba (as seriously, who has time to do it with an infant on your boob or hip,) that I was always hovering over Kiwi. However, I believe that bc of my constant "hovering" (playing with, reading to her) she is as smart as she is. She started talking at 9 months and was saying 3 word sentences/phrases before she was a year old! I feel extremely guilty now, since I have Bubba to care for....constantly, bc I can't give her all I feel she needs. I feel awful that she spends time watching tv (all educational shows) or movies so much now, instead of having me playing with her or reading to her constantly. She honestly doesn't seem to mind, as she is much more independent now. (She even asks me to leave so she can play alone. LOL.)

I never used a set schedule with feeding or bedtime with Kiwi, and I still don't with Bubba. I BF her, and do now with him. I feed on demand, and never enforced a nap for Kiwi (now Bubba) while she was a baby. I NEVER let her CIO (cry it out,) much to G's dismay. Both my kids were/are nursed to sleep. Which, was very difficult when Kiwi suddenly decided at 12.5 months that she was done with nursing. At that time, I finally gave in and bought a book (the sleep lady) to help teach me how to sleep train Kiwi. I ended up (with the help of the book) having to have her CIO a little in order to teach her to go to bed. I also set a bedtime (as before she would Be up until well after midnight with me.) We bath her between 8 and 8:30 pm, then it is book and bedtime. Sometimes she still crys (especially when she only wants me and not G.) I have Bubba on that same bedtime schedule now too. Makes it easier, as they share a wall. I get up at the slightest sound (fuss) from Bubba. I nurse him back to sleep. I just don't want Kiwi to wake up, and have both of them to put back to bed.

Kiwi was never much of a napper. When sleep training her (at 13 months) I finally decided that she needed a nap, or quite time at least. I would put her to bed between 3 and 3:30 every afternoon for "naptime" for 2 hours. When she was in her crib, she'd cry, but usually fall asleep at some point. When we upgraded her to her big girl (full size) bed this past Sept. (she was just over 2 yrs) she would rarely sleep. I needed the break though, as I was very pregnant with Bubba. I would lay her on her bed and give her a "naptime" with her door closed. She cried, threw fits, but eventually she'd play. "Naptime" ended when Bubba was born..... oh how I miss it. LOL.

So, basically, like I said, I'm a push over as a parent. But I love my kids and they really are great. (Kiwi is a very difficult, needy, stubborn child. Thankfully Bubba seems to be more mellow.)Where I am a hands on, laid back, raise my own children, push over Mama....G is the exact opposite. He is a strict, sit back and relax and let the kids raise themselves, quick to spank (and frequently does) kind of Daddy. So, our house is very interesting at times. LOL.

Let the good times ROLL.....

Oh what a week we had. :) mostly all fun and good times!

Last Monday the kids and I went to my parents ( about 40 miles away.) We then went to a local regional park. This park is amazing. Not only does it have play equipment, but a train, zoo and pony rides. They put on an Easter event that we went for. Kiwi bounced in a jump house, did an egg hunt, decorated a cookie and then we all rode the train and did a hay ride. It was so much fun! On Tuesday, we joined a friend of mine, along with her daughter who is Kiwi's bff, we went to the indoor play place we love. (my first time taking both kids w/o G or my parents to help with Kiwi.) It was great to catch up and the girls had a blast. Wed. I invited the same friend to join the kids and I at a local park that has a lake. We took a walk around the lake, then the girls played at the park. Then, our big weekend!

Friday G, the kids, my parents and I, along with the same friends, went to Disneyland! ( my parents and I have passes.) It was a blast and we were so happy G was able to go too. The kids and I stayed at my parents (G has school on sat.) Saturday was an egg hunt put on by the rotary club near my parents. After the activities, we went to the zoo inside the regional park. (We also got together with some family.) Fun day!

Sunday was a bad day. Kiwi woke at 3:30 am throwing up. poor baby was sick all day. :( She was feeling better yesterday, so we took the kids to the Circus! It was amazing, Kiwi had so much fun!

In other news.... Drum roll... Sunday night when I checked on Bubba before going to bed, he was laying completely on his right side, asleep. That scared me bc of SIDS. So, I gently rolled him onto his back. He immediately rolled into his side again. I tried one more time, but got the same result. Last night (early this morning) I went in to get him changed and feed and back to bed.... And..... He was on his tummy! Bubba rolled over!!

...... and into Spring!!!!!

I love Spring! It is so amazing! I love the sun shining, the birds chirping (unless sit is outside my bedroom window before I'm ready to wake up. LOL.) I just love the weather and the possibilities. I have an extra bounce in my step.

I've been taking Kiwi and Bubba out front the past few days so she can swing. She loves it, and I love being outside and feeling the breeze in our hair. Bubba seems to enjoy the outdoors as well.

Since it is so nice out, I may just have to put my newly purchased double stroller to use. Although I quickly lost the baby weight both times, I now have a different shape than I used to prior to kids. (Prior to Bubba even.) I'm not fond of the extra fat I now have in te tummy, butt and thighs. After having Kiwi, I would walk every day with friends. Kiwi loved going on our walks. Once we moved off base and back home, we'd walk twice a day. I was very happy to not only lose all the baby weight, all the medicine weight (ivf meds are a bitch,) BUT I was also to get back down to my ideal weight (30 lbs less than my pre prego/ivf weight.) All by the time she was 12 months old! I am now at my pre prego weight, I have yet to lose the extra ivf med weight. Not that I have even made any effort to work out. I've never been much of an exercise fan. I'm really hoping I can motivate myself to get out and take the kiddos for a walk, hopefully make It a regular thing. I just always think of the hassle that would go into taking two kids out. Getting them into the stroller is the easy part (usually.) Keeping Kiwi in the stroller, not so easy! LOL. G and I bought her a tricycle for her bday. She can't peddle it yet, but thankfully it has a handle for us to push her. She loves taking it out and riding. I'm just not a fan of the baby carrier. I have a bad neck, so it is painful to wear. Plus, awkward for both Bubba and I. I also have a sling, but I am always too scared to actually let go. I'm afraid he'll fall, which defeats the entire purpose of using it.

Enjoy the pics of my babies enjoy the great Spring filled outdoors. :) Have a wonderful day all.

moving on....

************* This post is about the ELEPHANT in the room. I am addressing it, and then will hopefully be able to move on. Feel free to not read if you wish, as it is about my personal life dramas and not IF related at all.********************

First, I will say that I am able to write this right now (while I am on "Mommy duty") bc sometimes I do get a very quick "ME" moment after we eat. Kiwi is happy and contact playing in her play area (and often tells me to "go away" so she can play alone. LOL.) Bubba is happy and content. So, I am in no way ignoring my children by getting on the computer to check my emails, fb and blogs.

Second, I love and adore my niece and I love my niece who is joining us next month. Just like the people who have abused us have to live with the consequences of their actions, by not having an active relationship with Kiwi or Bubba. I too have to live with the consequences of my reactions to their abuse! Which means that unfortunately I and my children are not an active part of our Niece's (their cousin) life! It is very painful!! Kiwi adores her cousin! Bc MIL is raising her, and I'm not comfortable with her around dme nor my children, we can;t see her. I have many times mentioned to G that we should contact our niece's father and see if we can get together with her. G has replied that it would cause to much drama and that they would never let us take her (with us to the zoo, etc.) anyways. How on earth could asking to spend time with her Aunt, Uncle and cousins cause drama?! I know that unfortunately we will not have a relationship with our new niece either....despite the fact that it has been thrown in our faces that "they would never keep the baby away from family." Family obviously doesn't include us. I feel that I have done everything in my power to assure that we would be an active part of our new niece' life. So sad!!

Okay, where to start. There is so much I want to say about this issue. This will probably come out all jumbled up. But at least it will be out and off my chest. As, that is the whole purpose of having a blog journal, get things out. I'm an honest and open person. Everything I have ever written here has actually accrued. Yesterday there was major back lash bc G was called by family members of his regarding things I have said in my posts. They've become upset by me writing the drama that has accrued. The abuse and negativity that they have done to us. Reading bad things about yourself (although truthful) must be hard and painful. It must be embarrassing to see your worst moments displayed on someone else's blog. Although some have apologized for their abusive actions, not all have. So, for some reading their shamful actions days, weeks, months or years after they occur ed sucks. But, just bc it has been awhile since the abuse happened, it is still a fresh wound for me!! Bc thi sis my blog an my place to vent things out (both the good an the bad,) I don't feel like a time frame needs to be kept. Like I have only a certain amt of time since the abuse to discuss it. IRL everyone knows how I feel about them.....like I know how they feel about me. I'm open and have always given any of the opportunity to be able to contact me. I have never blocked any of them, nor have I ever told them to "never contact me again." I'm more mature than that. I believe in the power of talking your issues out in order to resolve them. However, I have never been given the opportunity in return to do that. So, I vent to people IRL and then I vent on my blog or fb.

It is incredibly unfair that G had to be brought (yet again) into the middle of this (by getting phone calls and texts.) As he has NEVER read my blog! Many times on my blog I asked that if people get offended or upset by what is said, that they stop reading. (I even very clearly asked that G not be called.) I am the writer, these are MY thoughts feelings and opinions! Not his (although he usually has agreed with them.....at least until the phone rings.)

It is equally unfair that I'm being called out and told that I am an awful person (who has never been taught to only say something if it is nice.) Although people may not agree with me, I am able to say what ever I wish. Being asked to censor, or to remove, or to "only say nice things" is ridiculous! Has that favor been returned to me? NO WAY!!!!! I have been abused! Almost daily someone would call G and talk shit about me. Do they post it on their fb? YES, they have! Why am I the only person in the world who (according to them) has to "play nice." I did play nice for years! Even with the abuse I kept my mouth shut. I made sure that G, Kiwi and I always went to every family event we were able to attend. If we were in their area, I made sure that G called them to invite them to join us. Did that stop? YES!! It stooped when the disowning occured. G is so hurt by all the abuse, I am so hurt by all the abuse! BC of that, I had to make sure that my children would never be hurt by them and their abuse, so I distanced us from them. As any good parent would do. Abuse is abuse and abusers are abusers....wither they are family or strangers. It is our job as parents to protect our children from abuse and abusers!

If you were hurt by what I've said here, on my blog.....then I'm sorry that you read it. I react to the abuse by venting on here. You all know that we don't get along, and how IRL I feel, so why would you willing come on here to read what I have to say (after years of not giving a crap about me or my feelings before.)? That would be like going to a gay club if you are a homo-o-phob...... why do it?!

Another than I need to address is my post yesterday. Prior to the mother (I originally wrote about ) leaving, I expressed my thoughts and feelings about the issue. It is not my place to make the choice or decisions for her or her family. so I didn't feel the need to keep bringing it up and "beat a dead horse." I wrote what I felt. I honestly felt that this mother abandoned her child. (After calling G and raising hell about my post) The person was mature enough to contact me about the matter. I have since learned new things that I didn't know. Do I agree with her decision....HELL NO!!! But, I now know that she didn't abandon her child, as I had though to be the truth based on what I knew from her and the family for years. That makes me so HAPPY!!! I thought it was disgusting that someone was praising this persons mothering abilities, when she wasn't mothering. That is why i made the post. Like I said I have since talked ot the person and we have different views on the matter.....but I know in my heart now, that she Did not abandon her child. Which is great!

UPDATED!!!! Why are some people parents? (or, lack of parents)

I'm having to re-do this post, originally posted this afternoon bc, as I suspected (but genuinely hoped wouldn't happen) has happened. The phone call heard around the world (or through out my house...filled with (thankfully still)sleeping children) has happened. I've had this blog for over a year and a half. I have been less active lately, but have been making an attempt to "get back on the horse" so to say. Wanting to be an active Aunt, by following along with my SIL's pregnancy and commenting on her blog, has lead people I know IRL to my blog. (People who are not loving nor supportive of me nor my family.) Although I have many times said that my blog is MINE and everything I write is in my opinion and true based on the facts as I know them. (If I'm told half truths or untruths by others, I am unaware of them. I believe in honesty and assume that everyone is honest to me, as I am to them.)I have also made disclaimers twice asking people to stop reading my blog, to not return and (most recently) to not call G "to tell on me" if they are offended, the disclaimers have not be heard (or read, as this is a blog. LOL.) Because of the drama, yet again, I am forced to censor my blog!! I will do once and only once, as thi is MY blog, my journal and my place to share my journey in life, share my joys, sorrows, frustrations and to vent it all out! I would never tell anyone what they can or can't say on their own blog, fb, diary, journal, or whatever else. I read many blogs and have not always agreed with everything that has been said on all the blogs I follow. BUT, I have NEVER and would NEVER contact the blogger an ask them to remove such posts. As a grown women , if there is something I read, watch, see or hear that I don't like.....I make sure (or make every effort) not to return to the place I heard, watched it. All I've asked from anyone who has ever come here is that if you get offended or upset by what I say, then stop reading my blog and don't return! I don't want the drama IRL or in the blog world. THANK YOU!



This post was all about the lack of parenting that is all over the place today. As an IF, I had to work very hard to actually get my two miracles. So, it really upsets me when I know of people, or hear or see people who are parents, but really shouldn't be. Take those two sets of parents who left their children at two separate Chuck E. Cheese's a few weeks back. It sickens me!! I know people IRL who (trying to be nicer here) who,IMO, have done things that are not in their children's best interest. They claim that everything they do is for the kids, and justify leaving their child behind to be raised by someone else. I'm sorry if that offends anyone who has left their child and moved to other states for months, years, etc. Personally I feel that it is always in the child's best interest to be with their mother. (Obviously, not if there is any form of abuse.) Even if you would only be able to see your child 30 minutes a week. To me it would be better than only seeing them once (or twice) a year while using vacation time. To me being a mother is being there for your child in any and every way possible. (Not just sending money weekly, monthly, like a person would do if they didn't have full custody of the child. But emotionally, physically.)

*****I know that men and women in the military get deployed for 7-12 months at a time, I am in no way calling those folks bad parents. I am talking about people who choose to leave and not bring their child with them.********

That is all I can say at this time bc I have ruffled too many feathers and really, honetsly don't want the drama.

Reflecting..... and, do you know me in real life?

I have been writing this post in my head all day and night. (ALthough I still don't know how or what to say.) I know that it is a strange post to make, but I really feel that I should for many reasons. One reason is bc of the underlying issues regarding this post, I ended up going back and reading every post I've made....from day one!! It was lovely! :) I laughed, smiled, cringed.... :) Oh the memories. How wonderful blogging is in regards to journal keeping. I have all the details about Bubba's ivf process right here. Oh how I wish I knew about blogging when I was going through Kiwi's ivf process. It was amazing to see the exact dates of each step in the process.(For those of you still in the trenches of ivf/iui/adoption, once you finally get out, believe it or not, you sometimes forget the details. Not the war, mind you...but some of the smaller battles.)

Anyway, moving on to what I really want to say in this post. No one I know IRL (in Real Life) reads nor follows my blog. Some people know that I do have a blog, but I have never given away the url, nor have they asked for it. This blog was never intended for my friends or family to follow me on, as I have a fb for that. That being said, I have never followed anyone I know IRL blog either. However, w/in the last 7 months or so,I began following my SIL's blog for baby updates. If you have read my blog, then you know that I have MAJOR in law issues (to put it lightly. LOL.) I follow her blog even though I am not "friends" with my SIL, and I honestly don't think she likes me very much, not that she truly knows me (as I think that her opinions of me were preconceived based on what was told to her by other family members of G.) BUT, I was always close to my cousins, and ideally I want my children close to theirs (I am not naive enough to even believe that that is possible with the situation I have w/ my in laws, but one can hope.)Especially bc Bubba will be only 4 months older than our niece, his cousin, their daughter. I have followed her blog, and I leave comments frequently bc I love when people comment on my blog. (Let's you know that some one is reading and caring about what you write enough to take their time to tell you so with a comment.)

When I first starting commenting, I had gone into my profile on here and taken my blog url off. I did that bc in the past there was drama from G's family bc of what I said on my own fb page (my OWN page!!) I ended having to un-friend everyone I was fb friends w/ from G's family (even the ones who had never caused drama, been abusive, rude or mean) bc I didn't want the drama to continue every time someone read something they didn't like. So, I removed my blog info off my blogger profile. I didn't want the drama that I know could happen if they decided to read my blog and not like what they read. (I will say that I stand by the truthfulness of everything I have said on here.)

I realized when people were commenting on my PAIL monthly theme post, that I really needed to put my url back onto my profile. I figured if I wanted to have the community of PAIL, I would need to be able to have the people's blogs that I comment on be able to view my blog. Does that make since? When I read the comments on my post, I would click on the person who left the comments name, and then find their blog from there. I wanted to be able to thank them for reading my blog, and re-pay them by reading theirs.

So, my blog url is now back on my profile. Making it accessible and easy for anyone to see. So, bc of that, I'm stating my *Disclaimer* from my second post again........ If you get upset or offended by what I say, then don't read my blog. Please exit the page and don't come back. (Also, please do not call my husband and "tell on me.") If however, you do decided to stick around, follow me (as you can tell, I post pictures of the kids, updates on them....so you really may actually enjoy this blog,) and you some day decided to post a comment.....PLEASE be mindful that for privacy (or at least a sense of it) I don't state the kids nor my husbands IRL names. Please use the nicknames. THANK YOU!!! :)