one foot in front of the other...there we go

So, D&C was just about two weeks ago. I am feeling and recovering ok. I had a neck and headache for a full week...before I went to the chiropractor, after an adjustment it has been gone! Today I got the test results back from the tissue sampling they did from the d&c. The results confirmed that the baby was male, with no chromosomal abnormalities. Which on the one hand is great to know...moving forward, since the remaining frozen embryos are untested as well. But a hard pill to swallow on the other hand bc we have no definite answers as to why this happened...especially so late. I have been reassured numerous times by the OB that sometimes this just happens...that I have done nothing wrong to cause it. But, it still sucks! :( Last I heard from my SCM, the IFs want to move forward and continue to have me as their surrogate. I sent an email to my RE nurse last week to inquire about next steps and timeframe, etc. (She is out of the office until late month.) After being reassured by these results that it wasn't genes...I feel confident in moving forward with transferring the embryos that are untested. So, I'm looking forward to a late September transfer at the earliest.

From over the moon to devastated...rough month

So....it's only mid month it's already been a bad one. Some back story: I went to the OB for the first time on April 21st and got to see the baby moving all over. :) The next day I went and had the Harmony blood test done....it is a blood test that is able to see if the baby will have downs or other genetic disorders and it can tell you the gender. On the following Monday I got the call that the baby is a BOY and that everything is perfect (no genetic issues.)We were all over the moon excited! My IFs sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a blue teddy bear, I received that on Wednesday, the 4th. Then, on the 5th I went to my 2nd OB appt. (The first was just 2 weeks before.)This was my first appt alone (no Daddies or case manager.) The doc couldn't see a heartbeat...and neither could I! We were devastated! I went to radiology to get a second ultrasound done to confirm that the baby boy had passed....and it was confirmed. I was 13 weeks pregnant, beginning the 2nd trimester (3 months along) and the baby was gone!He measured at 12 weeks and a few days. :( I had to wait for my insurance to approve the d&c procedure....so 6 days after finding out...and carrying a dead baby....I had the surgery. It has been 5 days now...I'm doing ok...but emotionally this has caused some damage. I'm still deciding if I want to go through another transfer. If I decide to move forward and do it again, I have asked to do it mid to late September. That will give me the summer to recover...and it will allow my family to take a camping trip over labor day weekend. Plus, it will give a due date of June...after school is out.

The count is in...

Yesterday, at 6w4d pregnant, was my 1st u/s at the RE for this surrogacy journey. Both the IFs were there, so exciting!! Based off the beat numbers, I was prepared to see one miracle growing...although I knew my IFs were hoping for 2. So, I was not surprised...we have 1 baby!! Healthy heartbeat of 122! Everything looks good on the baby. The RE noticed an area near the baby that she said was either 1)the second embryo that had tried to implant and just didn't...or 2) a bleed. So, I'm not allowed to do anything strenuous...and I go back in two weeks to have my last u/s before graduating to the OB. YAY!! This week has been rough. I discovered I'm allergic to the oil in my progesterone injection...so, I'm unbearably itchy all day long!!! Benadryl knocks me out, so I can only take it at night. I was officially taken off the shot on Saturday...and I'm still itchy! Hopefully it'll leave my blood soon. I also have had extreme heartburn and acid reflux for a week too! not the most comfortable week for me.

Last beta is in!

I did my last beta yesterday morning, at 16dp5dt, and it was 1136! All is good and we go in for ultrasound on March 21st to see how many babies are in there. :) Super excited for my IFs!

Beta #2...it's official!

We are pregnant!!! My Ifs are having a baby or babies. Beta at 9dp5dt was 51, up from 24 two days before! Yay! EDD of 11/10/16. This RE requires one more beta at 16dp5dt....so I do that on this upcoming Thursday (3/10.)

First Beta (Bloodwork) is in

So, this RE tests beta (pregnancy bloodwork) early, at only 7 days after transfer. I went yesterday morning and got the call that afternoon that I am pregnant!! My beta was 24! I go back to have my 2nd beta tomorrow. This is to make sure that the hcg numbers are doubling, assure an actual pregnancy and not just a chemical pregnancy. YAY! So excited for my IFs. I actually was able to call them myself with the news, so amazing!!

Transfer Day!!

Hi all, it's been crazy busy here for me...being a wife, mom, Girl Scout Leader, Girl Scout Cookie Coordinator, and a surrogate all at the same time, YIKES! So, Transfer was pushed back a day bc the ED wasn't responding to meds in the way the clinic had hoped. So, She did her ER on Thursday and got 26 eggs. 21 of which were mature. Each of my IFs donated their "contribution" and had embryos made from each. That way we could transfer one genetic embryo from each IF. From my understanding, they have 3-5 embryos left to freeze. We had transfer day on Tuesday, Feb. 23rd!! G drove me to the RE clinic in Los Angeles after we dropped Kiwi and Bubba off at school. My SCM, Debbie, met us there, along with one of my IFs and his mom (who happened to be visiting from France.) My other IF just started a new job and was unable to take the day off. I got all settled in the room , then the 4 of them were able to join to watch the whole transfer process. It was great! I now have 2 embryos, hopefully all snuggled in. I have my beta on Tuesday, March 1st! (The pic is of the 2 embryos that were transferred.)

My adventures in Mommyhood

I can't believe that Kiwi is almost 16 months old now!! Time has surely flown by!

As I have been preparing for the rapidly approaching holidays, I have been teaching Kiwi all about Santa, how to say "Happy Thanksgiving" and learning so much about her and from her. Kiwi adores Santa. She loves going to Home Depot so she can see him on display.

G and I have already bought (and received) most of her gifts. Santa is bringing her a big walk in toy kitchen, she'll absolutely love! From us she is getting a shopping cart, since she loves to use the one at the indoor play place. We only have to buy some stocking stuffers...I mean, Santa only has to make some stocking stuffers.:)

Having a child has changed me so much. It has also changed G, as well as our marriage. I never knew how exhausted to is to be a stay at home mom. Kiwi was a very needy baby, and is still very needy as a toddler. I am not complaining, as I know what a huge blessing she is to us. Especially after all it took to have her. I am just exhausted! :)

G has been hinting lately (will, more than hinting) that he would like me to be pregnant again. He misses the prego belly. :) Not only have we had our lives change because of Kiwi, but G just got out of the military. He served his contracted 5 years, and decided to not re-enlist (much to my dismay.) So, with a 10 month old, we moved the 3 hours back to our home. (We owned a house, and rented it out for the 3 years while he was stationed out of the area.) We completely remodeled the floors and painted the entire house, which consumed every weekend in May, before moving back Memorial weekend. I should say that Kiwi and I moved back, G had a few more months before he actually got out (took his terminal leave.) He joined us the end of July, just after Kiwi's first bday. (he was able to come home on the weekends for those 2 months though.)

G took 35 days off. He started applying and looking for a job mid August. Thankfully, he found one quickly. We took a much needed mini vacation to San Francisco with my parents at the end of August. He got the phone call while there and did a phone interview. He got the job!!! I was thrilled, I had been so scared that he wouldn't be able to find anything, in this economy, and the pay ended the 5th of September. G started his new job on the 7th of Sept. and has been working like a dog ever since. Usually 6 days a week, 56 hours a week. Loving the pay, but missing the time with him.

We had decided awhile back (while he was still in the military) that once he had been on the new job for 6 months we would talk about doing ivf again. Six months would Be March, which is a short 4 months away. So, G and I have been more than talking. We ahve started planning. I have contacted the our new insurance company and to my delight learned that our plan has a fertility benefit. So excited that we won't have to borrow as much money as we originally thought. So, as of now, if we are able to pay down some of our newly acquired credit card debt (thanks to the new job, G needed to buy tools, clothes, etc) we will proceed with the ivf in March!!!!

G wants a boy, and I am NOT doing ivf a third time. So, we have agreed to do pgd for gender selection. We do have 2 remaining embryos frozen form ivf #1 in June of '08. Because they are frozen, our clinic can't tell the gender. So, G and I are talking about placing those 2, as well as any remaining ones from the next ivf, form adoption. Embryo adoption (EA) is a new and great thing available. We want to pay it forward, and also I personally feel strongly about EA because Kiwi was once frozen!! I can't imagine life w/o her, so I know the life that could be from the other frozen ones.

I will keep you posted on the status of our next ivf....as well as EA.

Let the testing begin

We went to a OBGYN. She told us to start doing the basal body temp chart. That was pointless, and a major waste of precious time. Then she ordered blood work. My prolactin levels were way elevated. So, she ordered a CAT scan to see if I had a tumor on my pituitary gland. Thankfully the scan came back normal. I was put on meds to lower my prolactin levels, and ordered to continue ttc as normal. Like it would be that simple? A few drugs and then wham....prego! Not for us! It was sort of a blessing when that doctor moved out of the area and I was forced to find a new doctor. My new doc immediately scheduled a hsg test. (Where they inject dye into the uterus to see if the Fallopian tubes are blocked or damaged.) He also had G do a semen analysis. While G's test came back with flying colors (he was nick named super sperm by a doctor,) mine did not.

Sitting in the doctor's office with G that day and listening to the doc tell me that the only way I will ever be able to get pregnant is through IVF (invitro fertilization) was one of the worst days of my life. All this time and it was me who was the problem. (Of course I still feel sometimes that this is God's way of punishing me.) The hsg showed that both of my tubes were blocked with liquid. I confirmed with G that he still wanted to do ivf. I told him that I would do it, once. If it worked and we had a boy, then we would adopt a girl in the future. If it worked and we had a girl, then I'd see about doing it again for a boy. Keeping true to my word, with a heavy heart, I started my reseacrh into ivf, as well as the medical condition I had (blocked tubes.) My doctor basically said that fixing the tubes, or removing them would be up to the RE (ivf doc. Reproductive Endocrinologist.)

I found 2 RE that I liked. Both were hours away from where we lived. I set an appt with the one that was closest to us. G and I made the drive and met with the doc. It just didn't feel right. The doc made G feel bad bc he was young. It was like he thought we should wait longer, like he didn't think that my age mattered. He also wanted to do the surgery to remove my tubes. I was not keen to the idea of removing them. There was ways to do surgery to unblock and reopen the tubes, but from what I learned, the procedure doesn't always work, and if it does work, the tubes can close back up on their own shortly after being "fixed." Like I said, he just didn't feel right to us. He was not friendly. Not really someone we would want to start our family with. Needless to say, we left his office, our first ivf appt, bummed and full of doubts.

Thankfully, I pushed on. I set an appt with the other RE, and on our 1 year wedding anniversary, we met the man that would bring us our miracle!

......................................To Be Continued...............................

2 Years ago today.....

2 years ago on November 1st, our miracle was placed inside my belly! Nov. 1st was our FET (frozen embryo transfer.) We transfered in three 5 day old embryos. Then, we waited, prayed, hoped, wished.....for a miracle! We sure got that mircale!!

As Hallowwen approached this year, I began thinking back to halloween last year, our daughter's first halloween. I remembered her in her adorable little lady bug costume. I remembered showing her off to friends, and how my parents faces lite up when they saw her all dressed up. I recalled all the pictures taken. The 3 outfits she had (baby's first Halloween onsie for the day, costume, and halloween pjs for sleeping.)

Remembering all that from last year made me think about the Halloween of 2008. Where was I? I tried to recall. Then, it hit me!!! We were at my parents house that night. We stayed the night there, because our fet was set for the following day. We lived hours away, and my parents were closer to the doctor's office.

That is when the overflowing of emotions began! Thinking of that Halloween, and the day afetr, Nov. 1st. Halloween '08 was my last childless halloween. No more racing to the door to see someone else's princess or knight (witch or devil,) I get to dress my own ballerina (or lady bug from '09) up and take her out myself. I can not express how grateful, thankful and blessed I am to finally have my miracle!!

I had a long journey to get to motherhood. A journey with many bumps! I am writing this now (years later) as a way of venting it all out, of hopefully helping someone else who is infertile and having a rough time, who may stubble across this blog. I will share more of my journey in another post. Right now I am exhausted from taking my (miracle) 15 month old Ballerina trick-or-treating. Please feel free to follow along as I talk (rant and sometimes rave) about my past journey, and as I (hopefully soon) start a new one to bring a baby boy into (and complete) our family. Thank you.