Friday, November 26, 2010

Bring on the big 3-0...and Christmas!!

We had a great Thanksgiving!! Terrific company (family), a delious meal, fun games of Bunco (I won for the biggest loser!! LOL.) Kiwi had a wonderful time running around and playing with her toys at Grammie and Grandpa's house. (Last week I rescued a little toy kitchen for free on the sidewalk of one of my neighbors houses, as well as a lego wagon full of lego blocks. Plus all her stuffed animals and toys they already had.) She loved being the center of attention!

The big 3-0 is coming up on Tuesday! I can't believe I'll be 30!! Over the hill!! It is weird to think about. At 30 I had always thought I'd be in a much different place in my life. I mean, I am so blessed and thankful for what I have, but I just invisioned life so different. I wanted to have 2-3 kids by the time I was 25. I always thought I'd be putting one kid into kindergarten this year or next, vanpooling, pta, dance, sports....that sorta thing. But here I am, the mother of a toddler and still waiting to complete my family. I realize that age is just a number, nothing to worry about. I can still run and play with Kiwi and any future kiddo that I am blessed with. The jeans I wore in my 20s don't fit, the women I see in the mirror has a much rounder face (tummy and bottom too, I must add,) but more curves where I lacked them before (G loves that part. LOL.) The scale says a much higher number than I'd like it to say, but then I am thankful that it is not as high as I had seen it at one point (and I am not talking pregant weight, just unhappy weight.) One thing I have noticed as of late, the skin on my face is losing elasticity (is that a word? I mean it isn't as tight as it was before.) I've actually been think of looking into some sort of face tightening cream. However, aside from all that, I look at 30 as just another step in the adventures of my life. My 30s will bring the years that my kids will start school, discover the things they like to do....and where I will (God willing) become more stable. So, BRING IT ON!!!

Once my bday passes, all our Christmas activities start!! Tree shopping, lights going up outside, gift shopping...then the best part celebrating Jesus's birth with our family!! This year G and I are hosting Christmas at our home with my Mom's side of the family. We are doing it on Christmas Eve, and will have a traditional holiday feast!! I'm looking forward to our first holiday back at our house!!(Not looking forward to getting the house all clean for our guests, but I am hoping that maybe G will hire a cleaning service for me as a late bday gift...hint, hint, hint. LOL.)As I mentioned in a pervious post, we already have Kiwi's gift from Santa. It is huge, so her play area will have to be rearranged to make everythibg fit in the small area we have it in. But, I know she's going to love it, and I can't wait to see her face on Christmas morning! Christmas we'll do our first family gift exchange and Santa time. Then, we'll be going to my parents house for breakfast and a gift exchange with my immediate family. Then, off to my Uncle's (on my Dad's side) house for Christmas dinner and a Bunco tournment. (We only do gifts for the kids on this side of the family, it saves money, there are alot of people on my Dad's side.) [Just a quick side note, in case you were wondering. Because of major drama and issues we have chosen not to have G's family in our lives. They are very negitive and hurtful people and we do not want those elements around our children. There are a few people that we still speak with, and may see if they visit our state and G still talks to the others on occasion, but we do not get together with them.]

Saturday, November 20, 2010


Turkey day (Thanksgiving) is nearly here. Which made me start to realize and think about all I have to be thankful for!

There is so much to be thankful for! Good health, a job that earns a decent living, a nice roof over our heads, a great dependable newer car that gets us where we need/want to go, food on our table. But, most importantly, each other! Kiwi, plain and simple!! Every day I am thankful for her. I have such an amazing family and support system, a loving husband. I am a very blessed women,and I am extremely thankful for it all!!!

I am counting down the days until Thursday, thanksgiving. I can't wait to see my family. Today Kiwi and I got a tiny (and too quick) preview of what Thursday will be like. My brother, brother in law and sister in law (she's actually be brother in law's sister, but Kiwi calls her Aunt none the less,) came for a visit while passing through our area. Yesterday the three of them flew in from England (where they live.) It has been nearly a year since we've seen the Uncles. Kiwi was only 6 months old, and just learning to sit. Now, to their delight she was walking, running all over the house, and talking up a storm. (My 16 month old has the vocabulary and speech of a 2 year old or more.) It was so great to see them, and to see Kiwi interact with them. I am kicking myself for not getting my camera out for the short visit. I will have to remember to bring it on Thursday. At least once a year, we have my entire (immediate family) together. Thursday is it for this year. My parents will be there, us three, my brother and his husband and my sister and her long time boyfriend.....I better get a family picture darn it! (We still don't have any with Kiwi in it from my side of the family.)

Have a Happy and safe Thanksgiving everyone!! Enjoy time with your family, friends, or whom ever you celebrate with and remember all you have to be thankful for this year!!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

My adventures in Mommyhood

I can't believe that Kiwi is almost 16 months old now!! Time has surely flown by!

As I have been preparing for the rapidly approaching holidays, I have been teaching Kiwi all about Santa, how to say "Happy Thanksgiving" and learning so much about her and from her. Kiwi adores Santa. She loves going to Home Depot so she can see him on display.

G and I have already bought (and received) most of her gifts. Santa is bringing her a big walk in toy kitchen, she'll absolutely love! From us she is getting a shopping cart, since she loves to use the one at the indoor play place. We only have to buy some stocking stuffers...I mean, Santa only has to make some stocking stuffers.:)

Having a child has changed me so much. It has also changed G, as well as our marriage. I never knew how exhausted to is to be a stay at home mom. Kiwi was a very needy baby, and is still very needy as a toddler. I am not complaining, as I know what a huge blessing she is to us. Especially after all it took to have her. I am just exhausted! :)

G has been hinting lately (will, more than hinting) that he would like me to be pregnant again. He misses the prego belly. :) Not only have we had our lives change because of Kiwi, but G just got out of the military. He served his contracted 5 years, and decided to not re-enlist (much to my dismay.) So, with a 10 month old, we moved the 3 hours back to our home. (We owned a house, and rented it out for the 3 years while he was stationed out of the area.) We completely remodeled the floors and painted the entire house, which consumed every weekend in May, before moving back Memorial weekend. I should say that Kiwi and I moved back, G had a few more months before he actually got out (took his terminal leave.) He joined us the end of July, just after Kiwi's first bday. (he was able to come home on the weekends for those 2 months though.)

G took 35 days off. He started applying and looking for a job mid August. Thankfully, he found one quickly. We took a much needed mini vacation to San Francisco with my parents at the end of August. He got the phone call while there and did a phone interview. He got the job!!! I was thrilled, I had been so scared that he wouldn't be able to find anything, in this economy, and the pay ended the 5th of September. G started his new job on the 7th of Sept. and has been working like a dog ever since. Usually 6 days a week, 56 hours a week. Loving the pay, but missing the time with him.

We had decided awhile back (while he was still in the military) that once he had been on the new job for 6 months we would talk about doing ivf again. Six months would Be March, which is a short 4 months away. So, G and I have been more than talking. We ahve started planning. I have contacted the our new insurance company and to my delight learned that our plan has a fertility benefit. So excited that we won't have to borrow as much money as we originally thought. So, as of now, if we are able to pay down some of our newly acquired credit card debt (thanks to the new job, G needed to buy tools, clothes, etc) we will proceed with the ivf in March!!!!

G wants a boy, and I am NOT doing ivf a third time. So, we have agreed to do pgd for gender selection. We do have 2 remaining embryos frozen form ivf #1 in June of '08. Because they are frozen, our clinic can't tell the gender. So, G and I are talking about placing those 2, as well as any remaining ones from the next ivf, form adoption. Embryo adoption (EA) is a new and great thing available. We want to pay it forward, and also I personally feel strongly about EA because Kiwi was once frozen!! I can't imagine life w/o her, so I know the life that could be from the other frozen ones.

I will keep you posted on the status of our next well as EA.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Our miracle!!!

During the pregnancy, we were living in a small military town. There were only 2 OBGYNs, one was like 80 yrs old. So, my doc was always extremely busy. The day of the BIG u/s finally arrived. G and I were so excited to get the confirmation of gender, and to make sure that the baby was growing right, etc.

Well, after waiting for over an hour and a half, we finally go back and the doc informs us that he is already late for surgery. He would only have time to check externally (with some weird device) for the heartbeat. I was crushed....and extremely pissed off. He told us that everything sounded good and to come back in a month for the u/s. WTF!!!

A few days later, I called my doc's office and demanded that I be seen for the u/s. I wanted to make sure that the baby was growing properly, plus, I wanted to know the sex for sure darn it! They sent me to the u/s tech at our local hospital. That was a blessing! She was great! She spent over an hour with us. (My doc would've spent 10 minutes.) G was late to the appt bc of work, so the tech spent so much time just looking at everything, taking pics and showing me as much as she could of the baby. I got to see a smile, blink and so much more. It was amazing!!

We were having a GIRL!!! G made the poor tech show him proof multiple times! LOL. He was holding out hope though, he wanted to wait until our next appt with the OBGYN before jumping to any conclusions. :) I went to the local children's consignment store and convinced G to allow me to buy a few (like 2) girly things. I also bought some gender neutral clothes and a few boyish bibs, just in case.

At our next appt., the doc confirmed that we were indeed having a girl. However, I honestly believe that G was holding out hope until the birth. Didn't help that my awful w(b)itch of a MIL was telling him that u/s aren't always right. Apparently my BIL was a girl on EVERY u/s MIL had. It was a huge surprise to everyone (her doc included) when she came out a he! :) Poor BIL went home in pink. LOL.

I had a great and smooth pregnancy. No morning sickness or any other bad side effects. I only had minor nausea twice. I only gained 23 pounds. (19 of which I lost w/in 4 days of delivery.) I was very blessed. So, I was hoping and praying for a smooth labor and vaginal birth.

Our baby girl was due July 20th. Early on in the pregnancy (and many time during) I told my doc that my mom, grandma and great grandma all had trouble delivering due to small pelvic areas. Finally, a week before our due date (after we paid money to attend birthing classes) he checked my pelvic area. He told me that he felt I wouldn't be able to deliver the baby. After everything we had gone through to get pregnant, he didn't want (nor did we) to take any risks. So, we decided on planned c-section.

It was great to be able to choice my daughter's birthday. I was born on the 30th, my brother and sister were both born on the 3rd, and G was born in the third, I choose the 23rd. On the 23rd, I went to the hospital in the late morning. The got me all prepped for my 12:00 c-section. I think it was 5 till when they wheeled me back to the OR. The epidural was awful. For some reason, it sent electric type shocks down my right leg, causing it to bounce and me to move. I cried through it, squeezing the crap out of the nurses hand. They got everything set up and my doc walked in to say hi. He was carrying Taco Bell, his lunch. So, I had to lay there and hear all the docs and nurses talking about the "Yo quiero" Taco Bell dog. Apparently the dog had died that day.

To preform the surgery they used this huge round light. The angle the light was above my head, I could see everything. I saw them cut me open....before G was even in the room....I cried as I saw them take the baby out. To me, that was amazing!!! I couldn't hold her until after recovery, but I was the first to see her!!!

Recovery felt like forever, although I believe it was only an hour. They took me into my room and I was greeted with the smiling proud faces of my parents, brother and sister (first time grandparents, uncle and aunt.) Unfortunately the w(b)itch weaseled her way into the room and situation as well. (But, MIL is for another blog entirely. LOL.)

"Kiwi" was so beautiful and amazing! I was in love with her! She was born at 12:37 pm, weighed 6 lbs 13 oz and was 19 3/4 inches long!!! My miracle baby was here in my arms!! I am so blessed!!!!!

The c-section went amazingly well. I recovered amazingly. I wanted to get up and walk, shower as soon as I was allowed. They only thing that caused me much pain was my breasts. I choose to breast feed. Neither Kiwi or I took to it very well. I ended up having to go to my doc 4 days after Kiwi was born bc of major engorgement. I had double mastitis!!!!! It was awful. I got it again in November. (However, I ended up nursing until Kiwi decided to stop, she was 12 and half months old.)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Counting our blessings

G and I were hoping and wishing for twins. Boy/girl twins to be exact. At least 4 staffers (including my doc) at our fertility clinic had done ivf through them and had gotten boy/girl twins as a result. We were hopeful. That outcome would mean that our family would Be complete!

On December 1st, we made the 3 hour drive to our RE office. G sat in the room with me as the did the (internal) u/s (ultrasound.) It was a very bittersweet moment when we heard the doc say that we were right to have him put in 3 embryos, we were pregnant with 1 baby! Bitter because that meant that we would have to complete our family later (by ivf or adoption.) Sweet bc we were pregnant!!!

Hearing the precious heartbeat made everything all better and worth while. It was amazing to hear the heart and later feel the kicks and movement. That appt on Dec. 1st was our last with our amazing miracle worker, RE. With just one baby in the belly, we went to my local OBGYN.

Pretty early on my OB doc predicted that we were having a boy. His predictions were based on the babies heartbeat. G was so excited! He wanted a boy, I preferred to have a girl first (I am the oldest, and my mom always said that I was a big help with my younger siblings, I wanted the same.) However, I honestly didn't care either way, as long as the baby was healthy.

So, hearing that it was most likely a boy was good news because that meant that I would never again have to go through the ivf ordeal! The meds., shots, pain, etc. We would adopt a girl when we felt the time was right.

How accurate is the heartbeat method of predicting gender? We shall find out......

Sunday, November 7, 2010

So the journey continues

Took a much needed break this weekend. We got away to our local mountains to unwind. It was a great time!

Back to our journey:

Well, I'm sure you can guess that the day the 6 weeks was up, G and I made our appt with our RE. We paid for 2 fresh ivf cycles, but had decided that since we had remaining embryos (frozen,) that we would go ahead and use those, instead of adding more to the freezer. Plus, I really didn't want to go through the entire ER process again. We choose to do a FET (frozen embryo transfer.)

The first thing I did was go to my primary care doctor. I had her run my blood to see if my prolactin were elevated again. It was. So, she ordered an MRI (I had the CAT scan done before and no tumor was found.) I guess MRI is a more detailed scan. So, I did the MRI and learned that I do have a small benign tumor on my pituitary gland. (Joy.) I took some meds to lower my prolactin levels again. But there is nothing that can be done about the tumor, since it is benign, I don't need surgery. I followed up thi spast May with another MRI, the tumor has gotten smaller, thankfully.

I started all the meds., injections, etc. On Halloween, 2008, we made the drive to my parents house because Nov. 1st was our FET. Since the first ivf didn't work, I was very adamant about having 3 embryos put in this time. I wanted to get pregnant. Twins would Be a blessing, boy/girl twins ideal!!

Nov. 1st we had our transfer, then I spent the next 3 days in bed at my parents. They (as well as G) were terrific again. Catering to me, playing games with me. I am a blessed gal to have such an amazing support system.

My least favorite part came after. The 2ww. It is so weird that I don't remember the date that the call came in. I know it was sometime between the 10th and 14th of Nov. I also remember that just before the call came in, G and I were having full blown fight! A HUGE whopper! We were screaming, yelling, I was crying....I think one of us threatened to leave the was a bad one. (I blame the hormones! LOL.)But, the phone rang. That call knocked us out of our fight so quickly.

It was an amazing call. G was on one phone, I on another. The nurse said BFP (big fat positive!!!) It worked, we were pregnant!!! Nothing like that news to help you kiss and make up. I called my mom, he called his. It was a great day! An early bday present for me!

So, we're pregnant, but with how may? We did put 3 embryos in.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

So, did it work? Were we pregnant?

I left you hanging, wanting to know if our ivf cycle worked. If one (or both ) of the 2 embryos placed inside me stuck. Making us pregnant, and parents!

Well, after the 2ww, we did the blood test. On July 7th (I remember the date bc I have people close to me with bdays that day) the phone rang. It was our RE nurse. She had the news........BFN (Big Fat Negative!!!!) It didn't work! I was so incredibly devastated! I remember running to my room and throwing myself onto the bed sobbing. G had to make the calls to our family members. I couldn't even think of saying the words.

To me, the bfn meant that I had lost both the babies. It felt like a miscarriage to me! It was awful! But not only was I mourning the loss of my babies, I was also upset that I had put so much into the ivf and it failed, plus I knew that tubal removal surgery lay ahead. G couldn't understand why I was so upset. He insisted that we'd get pregnant next time, not to worry. He didn't understand why I was so upset to have the surgery. To me the surgery meant that I would never, ever be able to naturally become pregnant. I would never be able to make love with my husband and conceive a child from that love. It devastated me! I had hoped that the ivf would've worked, and that it would have some how cleaned out my tubes, and that I could have a baby naturally in the future. Now, I knew that hope was ending, with the removal of my tubes.

True to my style, I didn't stay down long. I picked myself up and pushed on to do what I needed to do to have my dreams of being a mother come true. I called my OBGYN and made an appt to talk to him about the surgery. We went in shortly after the 7th. I was a nanny at this time to a friends little boy. They were taking a vacation in mid August for a week, so I had that week off. I sorta told my doc that I needed to have my surgery then. He complied. In mid August of 2008, I went in for the out patient surgery to remove my tubes.

I woke up in recovery hearing the nurse on the phone saying that she didn't know what to do that the patient wasn't breathing properly. I thought how scary....then I realized that I was the patient!! I was placed on oxygen to help me breathe. Then, nature called. I told the nurse that I needed to potty. She handed me a bed pan. I have never used one of those, so I asked her what I was supposed to do with it. "Just go" was her answer. But, go I couldn't. Something was wrong. My bladder was so full and I couldn't go. I was in pain because of it and crying. The nurse tried to put a catheter in....failed.....tried again....failed (more pain and tears on my end.) She finally got another nurse to do it, third time was the charm. Relief!! But, w/ my breathing issue and now that I had a catheter, I was emitted over night.

The week following my surgery was hell. I was dizzy, nauseous, weak. G had to work, so I laid in bed all day long, too dizzy to walk to the to make food or refill my water. I finally convinced G to take me to my doc. I guess I had an allergic reaction to the anaesthesia. He prescribed me some meds to help with the dizziness and nausea. I was back to normal w/in a few weeks. However, I had to wait 6 weeks to fully recover, and before we could try ivf again

...................................To Be Continued..................................

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Our IVF journey begins

We adored our RE at the new place. We felt "at home" with him and his amazing staff. He told us that there has not been any evidence either way regarding ivf with blocked tubes. Some docs have had success with tubal blocks, others haven't. He basically left the choice to me as to if I wanted to have the surgery or not. He also discussed all the ivf details with us. G and I left his office, on our anniversary, feeling optimistic about everything.

We went back a few weeks later to pay the (HUGE!!!!) fees and get get the prescriptions. I decided to not have the surgery, we would do the ivf and pray it worked. If it didn't, we would cross that bridge later. We paid for 2 fresh ivf cycles, just in case.

I began taking the meds and G started injecting me (no way was I going to be able to put the needle in myself. LOL.) We made the 3 hour drive many times for check ups. Then, the 3rd week of June, we did our ER (egg retrieval.) 14 eggs were taken out! G's contribution was added to my eggs, and the were left to create life for 5 days. We did our ET (embryo transfer, the eggs had been fertilized, and now were embryos) 5 days after the ER. My RE recommends 2 days of bed rest. So, we stayed with my parents and I stayed in bed. Literally, only getting up to use the restroom. My parents and G were so amazing. Catering to me, playing cards and watching tv with me in the room.

Then came the worst thing, the 2 week wait (or 2ww in ivf terms.) We had to wait for 2 weeks before we could get the blood test done to see if all the work (meds, injections, ER, ET, bed rest, money, time, etc) had worked, if we were pregnant!

...................................To Be Continued..................................

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Let the testing begin

We went to a OBGYN. She told us to start doing the basal body temp chart. That was pointless, and a major waste of precious time. Then she ordered blood work. My prolactin levels were way elevated. So, she ordered a CAT scan to see if I had a tumor on my pituitary gland. Thankfully the scan came back normal. I was put on meds to lower my prolactin levels, and ordered to continue ttc as normal. Like it would be that simple? A few drugs and then wham....prego! Not for us! It was sort of a blessing when that doctor moved out of the area and I was forced to find a new doctor. My new doc immediately scheduled a hsg test. (Where they inject dye into the uterus to see if the Fallopian tubes are blocked or damaged.) He also had G do a semen analysis. While G's test came back with flying colors (he was nick named super sperm by a doctor,) mine did not.

Sitting in the doctor's office with G that day and listening to the doc tell me that the only way I will ever be able to get pregnant is through IVF (invitro fertilization) was one of the worst days of my life. All this time and it was me who was the problem. (Of course I still feel sometimes that this is God's way of punishing me.) The hsg showed that both of my tubes were blocked with liquid. I confirmed with G that he still wanted to do ivf. I told him that I would do it, once. If it worked and we had a boy, then we would adopt a girl in the future. If it worked and we had a girl, then I'd see about doing it again for a boy. Keeping true to my word, with a heavy heart, I started my reseacrh into ivf, as well as the medical condition I had (blocked tubes.) My doctor basically said that fixing the tubes, or removing them would be up to the RE (ivf doc. Reproductive Endocrinologist.)

I found 2 RE that I liked. Both were hours away from where we lived. I set an appt with the one that was closest to us. G and I made the drive and met with the doc. It just didn't feel right. The doc made G feel bad bc he was young. It was like he thought we should wait longer, like he didn't think that my age mattered. He also wanted to do the surgery to remove my tubes. I was not keen to the idea of removing them. There was ways to do surgery to unblock and reopen the tubes, but from what I learned, the procedure doesn't always work, and if it does work, the tubes can close back up on their own shortly after being "fixed." Like I said, he just didn't feel right to us. He was not friendly. Not really someone we would want to start our family with. Needless to say, we left his office, our first ivf appt, bummed and full of doubts.

Thankfully, I pushed on. I set an appt with the other RE, and on our 1 year wedding anniversary, we met the man that would bring us our miracle!

......................................To Be Continued...............................

Onto the next chapter of my journey.....

Where was I? Right....

So, after 6 years of ttc, I got a divorce. With that divorce I saw my dreams disappearing. I had invested so much into my first marriage. (Time, energy.) My internal clock was ticking, loudly at that! I didn't take very long for me to pick myself up and move on though. I mean, I was separated for about a year before I filed (due to circumstances that I couldn't control.) Plus, honestly, I wasn't in love with my ex. I don't think I ever really was. I was in love with the fairytale.

During my separation, I meet and became friends with G. He was nice, sweet and young. LOL. I didn't think of him as relationship material because of his age. He is nearly 7 years younger than I am. So, we were friends. But, he quickly won me over. :) We started dating at the end of June 2006. You would think that after having gone through a bad marriage, and still in the process of divorce, I would be more guarded with my heart. WRONG!!! LOL. I fell in love extremely quick with G. It was a new experience for me, as I had never been in love before. So, a month to the day after we started dating, G proposed. I eagerly accepted.

But, I am jumping the gun here. I must say that during the early days of our courtship, I told G that I may not be able to have children. I told him of the many years I had ttc with my ex. I also told him that I wanted to adopt, because, more than anything, I wanted to be a mother. I told him that I really did not want to do anything medical because I felt that if God wanted me to get pregnant (again,) I would be able to. He told me that he understood and agreed with the decision to adopt, if our relationship progressed. As you can tell, progress it did. :)

10 months after we started dating (and one week exactly to the day from the finalization of my starter marriage,) G and I got married. April of 2007. Needless to say we spent the entire 10 months ttc. We were doing the old fashioned way, plus I was using a fertility website to help with an ovulation calculator/ calender type thing. (Which I had started using the last year or more in my first marriage.) We weren't really expecting to get pregnant, but I was really hoping. I had to come to terms then, that I may be the problem.

After we got married, I dug my adoption research back out. I narrowed down the many agencies to 2 I really liked. W/in the our first year of marriage, we went to an orientation for the agency I liked the best. We learned alot of great things. I was ready to sign up then and there. It was after the orientation that G bared his heart to me. He is the last male in his family to carry on his last name. He felt so strongly about that, that he desperately wanted to have a son, one with his own bloodline. I love my husband so much, that seeing his soul, I agreed to look into what was going on. Do some tests and see why we couldn't get pregnant.

.................................To Be Continued.....................................

Monday, November 1, 2010

Introductions and a glimse into the begings of my journey

I thought it would be best to introduce myself, before I dive into my journey to motherhood.

I am (nearly) 30 years old. I have been married to my (current) husband, "G", for 3 1/2 years. I'm currently (thankfully) a stay at home mom to a beautiful, miracle, little girl, "Kiwi." I love to play games (board, cards, dominoes, etc.) I enjoy reading, spending time with my family and friends, and Disneyland! I am open-minded, honest, caring, loyal, liberal (as some may say.) I believe that everyone is equal and look forward to the day when everyone is treated as such. Well, that is me in a nutshell. *DISCLAIMER: As I stated, I am an honest person. I will tell my story honestly, with all the emotions and pain. If anything I write offends you or makes you uncomfortable, I apologize, but ask that you please stop reading my blog. I like my life drama free. Thank you for understanding *

Growing up I always dreamed of being a Mom! That was my goal in life. I wanted the fairytale fantasy. Because of that, I never took SATs, I only went to one semester of college, I didn't see the point in wasting my parents money. I wanted to be a stay at home mom, period. So, imagine how excited I was when, at the very young age of 17, I found out that I was pregnant. The father was my high school boyfriend, fiance. We had planned on marry after I graduated. He was a different religion, culture and born in a different country than I was. It came as a major shock when I learned that in his culture a child out of wedlock was punishable by death. I was left with a horrible decision to make. Who's life do I spare? The living, breathing, young man I was to marry......or MY baby, just a few week old fetus. I made the only choice I felt I could. Less than a year later we broke up. Looking back now, I am not even really sure if that custom is real, or just something a mother said to keep her son from becoming a father too soon. I was young and very naive. My decision still haunts me to this day.

Fast forward a few years to 2000. I was engaged to be married the following year. As a couple we had another couple who were our best friends. They became pregnant. We had the silly idea that we should get pregnant too, so our kids would Be the same age. So, we started TTC (trying to conceive.) Well, we did what any fertile couple would do to get pregnant, have unprotected sex. We kept on trying, but nothing happened. In May of 2001, at 20 years old, I got married. Our friends were in the wedding, their older daughter a flower girl, and the baby ( a few months old) was there as well.

We kept on ttc fot years. I felt that we were young, and that getting pregnant would happen when it was supposed to happen, when God wanted it to happen. However, my fairytale fantasy was the husband, house and 2-3 kids before I was 25. I had the husband and the house....where were the kids. 25 was rapidly approaching. I started doing some research. I am planner and researcher. I started looking into adoption. I knew I wanted a baby. I wanted to be there for all the firsts, so I quickly ruled out internationally adoption (as the child is usually over 6 months at time of placement.)All the while, still ttc, even with my marriage falling apart. I didn't want to divorce because I felt if I did, I would Be further away from my dreams. I kept pushing on.

I never went to see my OB-GYN because (1) I had been pregnant before, so obviously it wasn't me and (2) maybe it was me, maybe being infertile was God's way of punishing me for what I had done.

Whatever the reason was, I finally realized that there was no way I could raise a child with my that man. I had never really loved him, just the fantasy of him. How was I supposed to teach a child right and wrong when their father didn't even know the difference. I got a divorce, after 5 years of marriage. My dreams were crashing down.
...............................To Be Continued.......................................