Introductions and a glimse into the begings of my journey

I thought it would be best to introduce myself, before I dive into my journey to motherhood.

I am (nearly) 30 years old. I have been married to my (current) husband, "G", for 3 1/2 years. I'm currently (thankfully) a stay at home mom to a beautiful, miracle, little girl, "Kiwi." I love to play games (board, cards, dominoes, etc.) I enjoy reading, spending time with my family and friends, and Disneyland! I am open-minded, honest, caring, loyal, liberal (as some may say.) I believe that everyone is equal and look forward to the day when everyone is treated as such. Well, that is me in a nutshell. *DISCLAIMER: As I stated, I am an honest person. I will tell my story honestly, with all the emotions and pain. If anything I write offends you or makes you uncomfortable, I apologize, but ask that you please stop reading my blog. I like my life drama free. Thank you for understanding *

Growing up I always dreamed of being a Mom! That was my goal in life. I wanted the fairytale fantasy. Because of that, I never took SATs, I only went to one semester of college, I didn't see the point in wasting my parents money. I wanted to be a stay at home mom, period. So, imagine how excited I was when, at the very young age of 17, I found out that I was pregnant. The father was my high school boyfriend, fiance. We had planned on marry after I graduated. He was a different religion, culture and born in a different country than I was. It came as a major shock when I learned that in his culture a child out of wedlock was punishable by death. I was left with a horrible decision to make. Who's life do I spare? The living, breathing, young man I was to marry......or MY baby, just a few week old fetus. I made the only choice I felt I could. Less than a year later we broke up. Looking back now, I am not even really sure if that custom is real, or just something a mother said to keep her son from becoming a father too soon. I was young and very naive. My decision still haunts me to this day.

Fast forward a few years to 2000. I was engaged to be married the following year. As a couple we had another couple who were our best friends. They became pregnant. We had the silly idea that we should get pregnant too, so our kids would Be the same age. So, we started TTC (trying to conceive.) Well, we did what any fertile couple would do to get pregnant, have unprotected sex. We kept on trying, but nothing happened. In May of 2001, at 20 years old, I got married. Our friends were in the wedding, their older daughter a flower girl, and the baby ( a few months old) was there as well.

We kept on ttc fot years. I felt that we were young, and that getting pregnant would happen when it was supposed to happen, when God wanted it to happen. However, my fairytale fantasy was the husband, house and 2-3 kids before I was 25. I had the husband and the house....where were the kids. 25 was rapidly approaching. I started doing some research. I am planner and researcher. I started looking into adoption. I knew I wanted a baby. I wanted to be there for all the firsts, so I quickly ruled out internationally adoption (as the child is usually over 6 months at time of placement.)All the while, still ttc, even with my marriage falling apart. I didn't want to divorce because I felt if I did, I would Be further away from my dreams. I kept pushing on.

I never went to see my OB-GYN because (1) I had been pregnant before, so obviously it wasn't me and (2) maybe it was me, maybe being infertile was God's way of punishing me for what I had done.

Whatever the reason was, I finally realized that there was no way I could raise a child with my that man. I had never really loved him, just the fantasy of him. How was I supposed to teach a child right and wrong when their father didn't even know the difference. I got a divorce, after 5 years of marriage. My dreams were crashing down.
...............................To Be Continued.......................................