Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Anxious!!! Have some strange feelings I need to get out...

{This post was written while I was suffering a major case of nerves. I am not trying to be insensitve, as I know that my readers are all suffereing IF, and are still on their journeys to #1. I was just needing someone to tell me that how I feel is normal. I hope you all understand. I love my daughter and look forward to the day that I will hold my son. Just nerves. Thanks}

So, it is finally here, in 16 1/2 hours, I'll be at my RE appt. for baby #2. I don't know for sure if I'll be alone (G works, and my Mom will be helping my sister out after her surgery today) or if my Dad will go with me, taking Kiwi along too....or if he'll stay at my house and watch her(which might be best, as it is right around her nap time and we found out today that she has early pneumonia!!!!)Never the less, I have some strange thoughts and feelings nagging at me. I'm hoping if I vent them here, that someone will read them and reach out to me an help me figure this all out.

Perhaps it's nerves, but I am not as enthusiastic as I thought I'd be at finishing up my family. I mean, I know in my heart of hearts that I want more children. I don't want Kiwi to be an only child. I also know I want them close in age to her. (2 1/2 years is already further than I'd like.)I just have this sinking feeling. I'll try to explain.
- My marriage is in a funk. G works usually 6 days a week, 10 hours a day and he drives a 2 hour commute, one way. He leaves at 2:30 am, gets home about 4 pm and is in bed by 7:30 pm. We have no sex (TMI) life, as I never am in the mood (I haven't been since I had Kiwi.) Plus, we are both stubborn people, which leads to many, many disagreements. He also works so hard and is gone so much that once he does get home, he doesn't want to or can't (because he goes to bed, is too tired to) help out with anything, even Kiwi. all this leaves me feeling like I am in this alone. I don't want to add even more stress and burden (not that a baby is a burden at all) to us, him or me. I just can't continue doing everything on my own (w/o breaks) and then add another baby that I'll be taking care of all alone too.
- Kiwi is a handful!! I love her so much and am so blessed and thankful to have her, but she is so much more work than I ever imagined. (I was a nanny most of my adult years prior to having her.) I thought I was ready and prepared for having a kid. Boy, was I wrong! She is stubborn and strong willed. She constantly needs me...all the time. (Recently I have had a tiny bit of slack, where I can get somethings done w/o having to hold or entertain her constantly.) Am I being selfish in wanting to have another child? How is Kiwi going to take it? How will she be when I can't give her the attention she needs all the time? Then I have the awful thought of.....what if I have a little boy (or 2) and they are just like her?! Just as stubborn, strong willed and needy? I don't think I could handle it. I'd lose my mind. Especially bc I'd be doing it all alone.

Then I think about wither or not I am a good Mom now, as it is. Should I have another kid? I feel like I suck as a Mom. Especially bc I feel like I can't "control" Kiwi sometimes. But, I know that it really isn't me, nor my abilities as a Mother. I know it is just her personality, her temperament. But, boy I do not want another Kiwi. She is a genius, but I want a mellow, easy going, go with the flow little boy. :)

Am I an awful person for feeling/thinking these things? Or does every mother go through similar thoughts/feeling when they are adding or planning to add to their family? I guess I want to know if this is normal. Or, do you think I should never have another kid? All these things I'm feeling, on top of an already stressful ivf process!!!!! Some insight, please. Thanks. I'm so scared to even say anything. Because, I'm not looking for someone to talk me out of my decision, but rather to talk me into it!! If that makes any since. I'm all butterflies in my tummy.


  1. I wish i could tell you from my own experience that this is normal..but I am ot a mother. But what you are feeling..I believe is normal. i have heard from my own mother...that.."being a mother is the hardest job!" She has my brother and and then ame. My dad was never around and after we were both born my dad left..he was around but not really. she did it all on her own. It was so hard on her..but with love..and lots of help..she was able to do it. I know for sure it was not easy. I do not think she was a bad mother...I actually respect her so much more now! also...I would say...getting a babysitter and getting kiwi a playmate and so you can get some free time. You have to take care of yourself. I am so sorry you are having a tough time!! As for the now sex..I also hear this is normal. But it is so important you ask your husband for help and communicate what you are feeling. You two need quality time together. Are there neighbors that can help? or family?

  2. Marilyn: Thank you so much fro the comment. I have heard from friends (who aren't yet mothers either, but they've heard from their Mommy friends) that what Ifeel is indeed normal. So, phew. :) Just nerves. Change can be scary, even if it is change you want.

    I just wanted to let you know that I do have a very strong and loving support system. My parents come over once a week and spend from lunch to Kiwi's bedtime with us. Plus, we see them sometimes on the weekends as well....and every month they watch Kiwi once for G and I to get a date night. So, I have a ton of help from them. During the week days (when she isn't sick...which feels like nearly every other week these past 2 months) we go to an indoor play place (most likely where she is getting sick from) that is made especially for little ones (under 6 yr old.) I have made great friends there, so we meet everyday and spend 2 hours hang out watching our kids play together.

    I just wish the one person who was supposed to help me and be my partner through life....was help me and being my partner. I'm sure you can understand what I mean. All the love and support of family and friends is great, but at some point they have to go and live their own lives, and I'm stuck alone again.