...... and into Spring!!!!!

I love Spring! It is so amazing! I love the sun shining, the birds chirping (unless sit is outside my bedroom window before I'm ready to wake up. LOL.) I just love the weather and the possibilities. I have an extra bounce in my step.

I've been taking Kiwi and Bubba out front the past few days so she can swing. She loves it, and I love being outside and feeling the breeze in our hair. Bubba seems to enjoy the outdoors as well.

Since it is so nice out, I may just have to put my newly purchased double stroller to use. Although I quickly lost the baby weight both times, I now have a different shape than I used to prior to kids. (Prior to Bubba even.) I'm not fond of the extra fat I now have in te tummy, butt and thighs. After having Kiwi, I would walk every day with friends. Kiwi loved going on our walks. Once we moved off base and back home, we'd walk twice a day. I was very happy to not only lose all the baby weight, all the medicine weight (ivf meds are a bitch,) BUT I was also to get back down to my ideal weight (30 lbs less than my pre prego/ivf weight.) All by the time she was 12 months old! I am now at my pre prego weight, I have yet to lose the extra ivf med weight. Not that I have even made any effort to work out. I've never been much of an exercise fan. I'm really hoping I can motivate myself to get out and take the kiddos for a walk, hopefully make It a regular thing. I just always think of the hassle that would go into taking two kids out. Getting them into the stroller is the easy part (usually.) Keeping Kiwi in the stroller, not so easy! LOL. G and I bought her a tricycle for her bday. She can't peddle it yet, but thankfully it has a handle for us to push her. She loves taking it out and riding. I'm just not a fan of the baby carrier. I have a bad neck, so it is painful to wear. Plus, awkward for both Bubba and I. I also have a sling, but I am always too scared to actually let go. I'm afraid he'll fall, which defeats the entire purpose of using it.

Enjoy the pics of my babies enjoy the great Spring filled outdoors. :) Have a wonderful day all.

moving on....

************* This post is about the ELEPHANT in the room. I am addressing it, and then will hopefully be able to move on. Feel free to not read if you wish, as it is about my personal life dramas and not IF related at all.********************

First, I will say that I am able to write this right now (while I am on "Mommy duty") bc sometimes I do get a very quick "ME" moment after we eat. Kiwi is happy and contact playing in her play area (and often tells me to "go away" so she can play alone. LOL.) Bubba is happy and content. So, I am in no way ignoring my children by getting on the computer to check my emails, fb and blogs.

Second, I love and adore my niece and I love my niece who is joining us next month. Just like the people who have abused us have to live with the consequences of their actions, by not having an active relationship with Kiwi or Bubba. I too have to live with the consequences of my reactions to their abuse! Which means that unfortunately I and my children are not an active part of our Niece's (their cousin) life! It is very painful!! Kiwi adores her cousin! Bc MIL is raising her, and I'm not comfortable with her around dme nor my children, we can;t see her. I have many times mentioned to G that we should contact our niece's father and see if we can get together with her. G has replied that it would cause to much drama and that they would never let us take her (with us to the zoo, etc.) anyways. How on earth could asking to spend time with her Aunt, Uncle and cousins cause drama?! I know that unfortunately we will not have a relationship with our new niece either....despite the fact that it has been thrown in our faces that "they would never keep the baby away from family." Family obviously doesn't include us. I feel that I have done everything in my power to assure that we would be an active part of our new niece' life. So sad!!

Okay, where to start. There is so much I want to say about this issue. This will probably come out all jumbled up. But at least it will be out and off my chest. As, that is the whole purpose of having a blog journal, get things out. I'm an honest and open person. Everything I have ever written here has actually accrued. Yesterday there was major back lash bc G was called by family members of his regarding things I have said in my posts. They've become upset by me writing the drama that has accrued. The abuse and negativity that they have done to us. Reading bad things about yourself (although truthful) must be hard and painful. It must be embarrassing to see your worst moments displayed on someone else's blog. Although some have apologized for their abusive actions, not all have. So, for some reading their shamful actions days, weeks, months or years after they occur ed sucks. But, just bc it has been awhile since the abuse happened, it is still a fresh wound for me!! Bc thi sis my blog an my place to vent things out (both the good an the bad,) I don't feel like a time frame needs to be kept. Like I have only a certain amt of time since the abuse to discuss it. IRL everyone knows how I feel about them.....like I know how they feel about me. I'm open and have always given any of the opportunity to be able to contact me. I have never blocked any of them, nor have I ever told them to "never contact me again." I'm more mature than that. I believe in the power of talking your issues out in order to resolve them. However, I have never been given the opportunity in return to do that. So, I vent to people IRL and then I vent on my blog or fb.

It is incredibly unfair that G had to be brought (yet again) into the middle of this (by getting phone calls and texts.) As he has NEVER read my blog! Many times on my blog I asked that if people get offended or upset by what is said, that they stop reading. (I even very clearly asked that G not be called.) I am the writer, these are MY thoughts feelings and opinions! Not his (although he usually has agreed with them.....at least until the phone rings.)

It is equally unfair that I'm being called out and told that I am an awful person (who has never been taught to only say something if it is nice.) Although people may not agree with me, I am able to say what ever I wish. Being asked to censor, or to remove, or to "only say nice things" is ridiculous! Has that favor been returned to me? NO WAY!!!!! I have been abused! Almost daily someone would call G and talk shit about me. Do they post it on their fb? YES, they have! Why am I the only person in the world who (according to them) has to "play nice." I did play nice for years! Even with the abuse I kept my mouth shut. I made sure that G, Kiwi and I always went to every family event we were able to attend. If we were in their area, I made sure that G called them to invite them to join us. Did that stop? YES!! It stooped when the disowning occured. G is so hurt by all the abuse, I am so hurt by all the abuse! BC of that, I had to make sure that my children would never be hurt by them and their abuse, so I distanced us from them. As any good parent would do. Abuse is abuse and abusers are abusers....wither they are family or strangers. It is our job as parents to protect our children from abuse and abusers!

If you were hurt by what I've said here, on my blog.....then I'm sorry that you read it. I react to the abuse by venting on here. You all know that we don't get along, and how IRL I feel, so why would you willing come on here to read what I have to say (after years of not giving a crap about me or my feelings before.)? That would be like going to a gay club if you are a homo-o-phob...... why do it?!

Another than I need to address is my post yesterday. Prior to the mother (I originally wrote about ) leaving, I expressed my thoughts and feelings about the issue. It is not my place to make the choice or decisions for her or her family. so I didn't feel the need to keep bringing it up and "beat a dead horse." I wrote what I felt. I honestly felt that this mother abandoned her child. (After calling G and raising hell about my post) The person was mature enough to contact me about the matter. I have since learned new things that I didn't know. Do I agree with her decision....HELL NO!!! But, I now know that she didn't abandon her child, as I had though to be the truth based on what I knew from her and the family for years. That makes me so HAPPY!!! I thought it was disgusting that someone was praising this persons mothering abilities, when she wasn't mothering. That is why i made the post. Like I said I have since talked ot the person and we have different views on the matter.....but I know in my heart now, that she Did not abandon her child. Which is great!

UPDATED!!!! Why are some people parents? (or, lack of parents)

I'm having to re-do this post, originally posted this afternoon bc, as I suspected (but genuinely hoped wouldn't happen) has happened. The phone call heard around the world (or through out my house...filled with (thankfully still)sleeping children) has happened. I've had this blog for over a year and a half. I have been less active lately, but have been making an attempt to "get back on the horse" so to say. Wanting to be an active Aunt, by following along with my SIL's pregnancy and commenting on her blog, has lead people I know IRL to my blog. (People who are not loving nor supportive of me nor my family.) Although I have many times said that my blog is MINE and everything I write is in my opinion and true based on the facts as I know them. (If I'm told half truths or untruths by others, I am unaware of them. I believe in honesty and assume that everyone is honest to me, as I am to them.)I have also made disclaimers twice asking people to stop reading my blog, to not return and (most recently) to not call G "to tell on me" if they are offended, the disclaimers have not be heard (or read, as this is a blog. LOL.) Because of the drama, yet again, I am forced to censor my blog!! I will do once and only once, as thi is MY blog, my journal and my place to share my journey in life, share my joys, sorrows, frustrations and to vent it all out! I would never tell anyone what they can or can't say on their own blog, fb, diary, journal, or whatever else. I read many blogs and have not always agreed with everything that has been said on all the blogs I follow. BUT, I have NEVER and would NEVER contact the blogger an ask them to remove such posts. As a grown women , if there is something I read, watch, see or hear that I don't like.....I make sure (or make every effort) not to return to the place I heard, watched it. All I've asked from anyone who has ever come here is that if you get offended or upset by what I say, then stop reading my blog and don't return! I don't want the drama IRL or in the blog world. THANK YOU!



This post was all about the lack of parenting that is all over the place today. As an IF, I had to work very hard to actually get my two miracles. So, it really upsets me when I know of people, or hear or see people who are parents, but really shouldn't be. Take those two sets of parents who left their children at two separate Chuck E. Cheese's a few weeks back. It sickens me!! I know people IRL who (trying to be nicer here) who,IMO, have done things that are not in their children's best interest. They claim that everything they do is for the kids, and justify leaving their child behind to be raised by someone else. I'm sorry if that offends anyone who has left their child and moved to other states for months, years, etc. Personally I feel that it is always in the child's best interest to be with their mother. (Obviously, not if there is any form of abuse.) Even if you would only be able to see your child 30 minutes a week. To me it would be better than only seeing them once (or twice) a year while using vacation time. To me being a mother is being there for your child in any and every way possible. (Not just sending money weekly, monthly, like a person would do if they didn't have full custody of the child. But emotionally, physically.)

*****I know that men and women in the military get deployed for 7-12 months at a time, I am in no way calling those folks bad parents. I am talking about people who choose to leave and not bring their child with them.********

That is all I can say at this time bc I have ruffled too many feathers and really, honetsly don't want the drama.

Reflecting..... and, do you know me in real life?

I have been writing this post in my head all day and night. (ALthough I still don't know how or what to say.) I know that it is a strange post to make, but I really feel that I should for many reasons. One reason is bc of the underlying issues regarding this post, I ended up going back and reading every post I've made....from day one!! It was lovely! :) I laughed, smiled, cringed.... :) Oh the memories. How wonderful blogging is in regards to journal keeping. I have all the details about Bubba's ivf process right here. Oh how I wish I knew about blogging when I was going through Kiwi's ivf process. It was amazing to see the exact dates of each step in the process.(For those of you still in the trenches of ivf/iui/adoption, once you finally get out, believe it or not, you sometimes forget the details. Not the war, mind you...but some of the smaller battles.)

Anyway, moving on to what I really want to say in this post. No one I know IRL (in Real Life) reads nor follows my blog. Some people know that I do have a blog, but I have never given away the url, nor have they asked for it. This blog was never intended for my friends or family to follow me on, as I have a fb for that. That being said, I have never followed anyone I know IRL blog either. However, w/in the last 7 months or so,I began following my SIL's blog for baby updates. If you have read my blog, then you know that I have MAJOR in law issues (to put it lightly. LOL.) I follow her blog even though I am not "friends" with my SIL, and I honestly don't think she likes me very much, not that she truly knows me (as I think that her opinions of me were preconceived based on what was told to her by other family members of G.) BUT, I was always close to my cousins, and ideally I want my children close to theirs (I am not naive enough to even believe that that is possible with the situation I have w/ my in laws, but one can hope.)Especially bc Bubba will be only 4 months older than our niece, his cousin, their daughter. I have followed her blog, and I leave comments frequently bc I love when people comment on my blog. (Let's you know that some one is reading and caring about what you write enough to take their time to tell you so with a comment.)

When I first starting commenting, I had gone into my profile on here and taken my blog url off. I did that bc in the past there was drama from G's family bc of what I said on my own fb page (my OWN page!!) I ended having to un-friend everyone I was fb friends w/ from G's family (even the ones who had never caused drama, been abusive, rude or mean) bc I didn't want the drama to continue every time someone read something they didn't like. So, I removed my blog info off my blogger profile. I didn't want the drama that I know could happen if they decided to read my blog and not like what they read. (I will say that I stand by the truthfulness of everything I have said on here.)

I realized when people were commenting on my PAIL monthly theme post, that I really needed to put my url back onto my profile. I figured if I wanted to have the community of PAIL, I would need to be able to have the people's blogs that I comment on be able to view my blog. Does that make since? When I read the comments on my post, I would click on the person who left the comments name, and then find their blog from there. I wanted to be able to thank them for reading my blog, and re-pay them by reading theirs.

So, my blog url is now back on my profile. Making it accessible and easy for anyone to see. So, bc of that, I'm stating my *Disclaimer* from my second post again........ If you get upset or offended by what I say, then don't read my blog. Please exit the page and don't come back. (Also, please do not call my husband and "tell on me.") If however, you do decided to stick around, follow me (as you can tell, I post pictures of the kids, updates on them....so you really may actually enjoy this blog,) and you some day decided to post a comment.....PLEASE be mindful that for privacy (or at least a sense of it) I don't state the kids nor my husbands IRL names. Please use the nicknames. THANK YOU!!! :)

Bubba is 3 months old!!!

OMGoodness, where has the time gone? It is so hard to believe that Bubba is already 3 months old!! My little man is growing way too fast. I had to take both kiddos to the doc last week bc of low grade temps (low 99s.) He weighed in at 13 lbs 1 oz!!! Kiwi, who is almost 2yr8m weighed in at 23 lbs 6 oz. He is so huge compared to her!! If I remember correctly, she was 16 lbs at 12 months.

Yesterday I changed Bubba's diaper then laid him in his crib so I could wash my hands before nursing him. When I came back, he was laying on his left side, facing the back of his crib (the wall.) He also rolled onto his side on other time that evening, and I yelled for G to come in to see it. So proud of my little man....but on the other hand, that means he'll be rolling over soon. Which, makes me nervous bc of SIDS. Being IF and having to go through so much just to get my miracle babies, I am always "waiting for the other shoe to drop." Like this all isn't real or forever or something. That some horrible thing will happen and my kids will be taken away from me. I know, I'm paranoid!! LOL. None the less, my Mom's friend had her son die from SIDS, so I do fear that. We used a wedge sleep positioner for Kiwi, but I tried it for a little bit w/ Bubba and it just seemed to uncomfortable or something for him.

Another thing he is doing in his crib, is moving. I am sick with a sinus infection right now, yesterday was hard on me. I put him in his crib for a nap, then I went to bed too. When he woke up (30 minutes later) I went to get him and he had turned 90 degrees!!! His head was at the front of his bed and his feet at the back (wall.) It was so strange!

He is also smiling all the time and laughing at loud (and LOUD he is!!) He also "talks" frequently as well. I am so in love with his babbles and smiles. He is just so adorable!!

UPDATE!!! I should have knocked on wood after writing that BFing post and saying how great we are doing at it. LOL. On Friday we had to take Bubba in to the doc bc of THRUSH!!! Yuck! So, we have had our first bump in the BF road. Hopefully that well be our last (knocking on wood. LOL.) In one week (as we took the kids in the Friday before for low grade fevers) he has gained 6 oz. He is now 13 lbs 7 oz!!!! HUGE boy! :) Bc of that, I am now going to have to exchange my last (unopened) box of size one diapers. They go to 14 lbs., but today I noticed that they are leaving red marks on his legs, like they are too tight. So, finishing up the ones I have left, then on to size 2s.....ALREADY!!! Kiwi is still in size 3.

Happy 100th Birthday Girl Scouts!!

Well, today marks the 100th birthday of Girl Scouts and I couldn't be prouder to say that I am (or was) a girl scout!!

Yesterday my Mom and I went (along with our very handsome date, Bubba) went to an alumnae tea for the 100th bday. It was great! At our table we had an 80 year old women who began her GS experience in the 1930s. She was a scout and her mother the leader. This women didn't have any children of her own, but at the age of 70 began her own GS troop, as the leader, for the girls in her apartment complex. She said that the girls needed something to do in the summer to stay busy. At the table next to ours, their was a family of 5 generations (YES...5!! All present)of GS. They were all there. The oldest women was 99 years old and started GS in the 1920s, her Great Great Granddaughter is a Daisy scout (kindergarten age.) WOW!!! That was so great to see. I know that I have 5 living generations of women in my family, on my Mom's side. Me being generation 4, Kiwi is 5. (On a side note, my parents are taking the kids and I to Vegas where my Grandma and Great Grandmother live, this weekend. It will be Bubba's first time meeting his Great Grandma and Great Great Grandmother.)

GS was so incredibly fun for me. I started at 4 yrs old, as a Daisy, with my Mom as my co-leader. I can still remember some activities we did....like making soap from scratch for our Mom's for Mother's day. I continued in GS until 7th grade when my family moved to a different city. (At that time my Mom had looked into Cadette troops for me to join, an had learned that they all were small troops with major "cliques" bc they had all known each other for years. So, I didn't join a troop again.) After moving, I continued to go to GS camp every summer, until my Junior Year of High School. I was a scout for 11 years!!! My Mom became a leader when I was 4, and continue leading me and then my younger sister for 20 years. (She continues for a few years even after my sis graduated and got her GS Gold award. My Mom wanted to see all of her "girls" get their gold!)

Scouting was a HUGE part of my childhood! Maybe bc of my Mom's involvement. We went camping, on outings, did service projects. It was amazing! I didn't get my Gold Award, but I am so proud that my sister did and that my Mom served girls for 20 years! Many of which did get their Gold.

Scouting is such an amazing thing for children!! I can't wait for Kiwi and Bubba to be old enough to be in..... of course I'll ask My Mom to be my co-leader. LOL. :)

*On a side note, my Dad and G are both Eagle Scouts in boy scouting!!!!

Breastfeeding: PAIL monthly theme post

Hello all,
In an attempt to try to jump start my blogging again (as I have been such a bad blogger since getting that BFP....last March!!) I have joined PAIL blogroll. (Parenting/Pregnant After Infertility and Loss.)Ideally I'd like to get back to blogging like I was prior to and during my ivf cycle.....and blogging to people. As I don't believe that anyone is even reading this anymore. Are you out there? :)I don't blame you if you have all gone away. It is my best intention to blog more frequently, so I will try my hardest to get on here and update, write more.

So, as part of the PAIL blogroll, they have monthly themes. This months theme is breastfeeding. I was so happy to see that theme, as I am (and was) an exclusive BFing Momma! So, here is my BF story:

Prior to getting pregnant with Kiwi (my now 2.5 year old daughter) I never really had any plan or even any preference one way or another, either Breast or formula. In fact I was a Nanny before I became a Mommy and I had cared for babies that were both breast and bottle (formula) feed. In fact I Nannied for one of my best friends from the time her baby boy was 6 weeks old until just after he turned one. From her experience (from what she told me,) I sort of assumed that everyone has a problem doing it. (Her LO never latched on and she had him on formula very quickly after birth.)

Once I did get pregnant, my view on BF changed greatly. G (my DH) was active duty Marine Corps., as with many military families, we qualified for WIC. WIC preaches breast is best and all the benefits that BF has. I quickly learned that BF was what I wanted to do for my children. Initially I was hopeful that I would be able to, but I wouldn't be devastated if I couldn't. (As I assumed that it would be hard bc of my friends experience.)

During my pregnancy, I became even more determined to BF for 12 months. I wanted to make sure I was giving my baby the best. When Kiwi was born I put her to the breast (skin on skin) as soon as I could. (I had a c-section, so I had to go to recovery before finally being able to see or hold her.) Kiwi had a horrible time latching on. I was so frustrated and remember crying in hysterics both nights in the hospital bc of this stupid BF!!! I kept asking G to get the nurse and have them bring formula. He didn't let me give up though. (That, and the fact that my day nurse was the BF Nazi! Seriously, she wouldn't even let me have a pacifier for Kiwi. The night nurse brought me one, but as soon as the day nurse came back on, she literally threw it away.) The lactation consultant brought us sugar water the first night Kiwi was born. So, G would put a few drops onto my nipple and then help me attempt to get Kiwi to latch! It was awful!!!!

I made it home from the hospital 2 days after she was born, majorly engorged and in tremendous pain. My SIL came to visit the baby and brought a breast pump with her. She told me to pump to help relieve some of the pain. So, I did.....BIG mistake (at least for me!) I pumped through the weekend (as I came home on a Saturday) and then called my OBGYN on Monday to see if the tremendous pain was normal. They made an emergency appt for me that same afternoon. I had double mastitis!!!!! 4 days after giving birth!! What the heck! The mastitus pain hurt me more than the c-section recovery pain. I was taking my vicodin bc of the pain in my chest, not my c-section.

BFing was not easy or pretty for Kiwi and I. When she was just a few months old I found blood in her stool. We ended up having to see a specialist (and have blood drawn daily for a week, in order to get enough blood for those damn blood tests they needed.) I had to go on this stupid elimination diet. Fist getting rid of dairy from my diet, then wheat/gluten, then nuts! It was awful I starved during the gluten stage. Everything I had at home contanted gluten, and we were in a very small military town that had no specialty stores to purchase such items. It ended up being that Kiwi had an aversion to nuts. I was off nuts for months, until Christmas, when I did a test (I just had to have this delicious candy that my Aunt makes, it contains nuts.) I was thrilled after eating (a ton) and not finding any blood in her stool after. :)Prior to the elimination diet, the doc had me put Kiwi on special formula to see if she was in fact allergic to my milk. Poor Kiwi wouldn't even drink the stuff. She never took to bottles at all! The only other time she had to go on a bottle was in November (a few months after the formula incident.) I really wanted to attend the Marine Corps ball with my husband, as it would be our last ball, since he got out. I pumped and saved my milk and Kiwi was feed my milk in a bottle that evening. Within days of the ball, I was in pain again. I went to see my on base doctor and found out that I AGAIN had double mastitis!!! OUCH! I learned that I just can not pump!! Every time I did, I got mastitis. (With the exception of the week that I had to have Kiwi on the formula. But that week I literally pumped every hour. Even waking up just to do so.)

Kiwi and I went through some really rough times with BFing, but we did it!!! I BFed her until she was 12 1/2 months. One day, she just simply didn't want it at all any more. I had met my original goal and I was very proud and happy that I kept trying and did it!

My BFing with Bubba (my 2.5 month old son) has been so wonderful. The exact opposite of Kiwi so far. He literally latched on immediately and has had a great and easy time nursing. We are doing great!! His Nurse Practitioner took me off dairy for 4 days a few weeks back. She thought that he may have a dairy intolerance bc of loud, explosive bowl movements (TMI, sorry.) But, during the 4 days I didn't notice any change what-so-ever in the BMs, so I am back eating dairy. This time around I will NOT pump!!! I have the same 12 month goal this time around. Which can be hard, bc I constantly have a baby glued to my boob. But, that is the price I will pay to make sure he gets the best....and that I don't get mastitis again!