first steps .....

Bubba first crawled while at my parents house visiting with my brother, who was out from London for his birthday. (this was in September, Bubba was 9M.) So, it would be only fitting that Bubba should walk for the first time while my brother, uncle B, was out visiting for the holidays and my sister's wedding. That is exactly what happened!! Until January 10th, Bubba had only cruised or taken one or two steps before falling. Well, after the drive to Vegas (where my sis got married), we put Bubba down in the living room of the rented house. He stood up and walked 9 steps straight to my brother!! He hasn't stopped walking since. He walls all over the house, one room into the next. :) hard to believe that just a few weeks ago he wasn't waking at all. He is also such the talker now. He still won't say "mama", lol. But, he says "thank you" like a pro. It is adorable bc he'll even say it w/o being prompted to. I hand him something, or he hands something to me, and he'll say it! He now says "I love you" sometimes. He likes to scream "daddy" all the time too. (copying kiwi.) He imitates us all the time. He's just such a big boy now.

unanswered prayers...... (EA update)

I always dreamed of being a Mom. I thought it would just happen. When it didn't, when it became hard, I prayed. I prayed during the injections for our first ivf, I prayed as I lay on the table having my eggs retrieved, I prayed as I lay again on the table having 2 precious embryos transferred into me. As you know, that ivf cycle was not successful, a pregnancy did not result from it. My prayers went unanswered. I was crushed!! But, I again turned to prayer....during my surgery to remove my tubes, throughout all the steps of the fet that resulted in my miracle Kiwi, throughout the process of the second ivf, resulting in my miracle Bubba. I'm sure, like me, you've had unanswered prayers. Prayers that you so desperately wanted/needed fulfilled, and when they didn't, it broken your heart. (Maybe shattered your faith, or made it waiver.) Well, I know in my case, I can now look back and be so grateful for God's knowledge....so grateful for not answering my prayers. Had he answered my prayers during our first ivf, I wouldn't have my amazing, beautiful (stubborn and opinionated) Kiwi. I prayed during our first ivf, and during the fet, for boy/girl twins. If God had answered that prayer, then I wouldn't have my super sweet, such a joy, always happy Bubba. I can't even begin to imagine my life w/o my kids, my two miracles!! I'm so blessed! I know that I can see all this now, I certainly didn't feel blessed nor happy when the devastating news came that the ivf failed!! Just like I now feel that same awful pain....but I feel it for someone I love. It is with such a very sad heart that I report that the second fet was not successful for our embryo adoptive mother, Elle. :( She decided to test a day early, and had her beta bw done of Monday. Unfortunately the beta was less than 2. I'm so crushed for her!! I feel so awful after all that she's been through (2 fet cycles) and all we've (us and them)been through together (finding them, matching with them, creating a contract......etc.) that this didn't work. I'm so sorry Elle!! I'm so sorry that we weren't able to help you become a mother, parents!! I'm so sorry!! I titled this post unanswered prayers, bc I prayed so hard for Elle, I prayed for the embryos. I now that some day, Elle will look back and be grateful for these unanswered prayers. Some day when she is holding her Kiwi or Bubba. (The child she wouldn't have had....if our embryos had stuck.) Elle is going to be such an amazing mother!!! At this time, I pray. I pray that God brings comfort, healing and peace to their hearts. I pray that sooner, rather than later, God will bless Elle and her husband with the child/ren that they so desire! Maybe, right now, somewhere...there child is being conceived, or created...that is what I pray. I don't know where Elle and her husband will choose to go from here. Which avenue they will choose to take in pursuit of their child/ren. Wither it be adoption or embryo adoption. Which ever path they choose, I know in my heart that one day....they will have their family!!! I love you both and will forever hold you in my heart.

EA....FET #2

I was sooooooooooo sad when the FET didn't work for our embryo adoptive mother. (We'll give her a nickname....we'll call her Elle.) I felt so badly, not bc our embryos wouldn't have a chance at life.....that thought hadn't crossed my mind at all. I felt awful bc I want Elle to be a Mom!! I love our embryos, don't get me wrong.....but I equally love and care for Elle. I so wanted this for her!! I couldn't understand why she kept apologizing to me when the test came back negative. When I finally realized that she was saying sorry bc she felt badly about the embryos...it made me cry. This women had just had devastating news, and she was thinking about us and our thoughts. I hadn't even had that thought. What an amazing person you are Elle. I can assure you, that you mean so much to us and you will be an amazing mother!! Well, since the first FET didn't work, there are only 3 remaining (male) embryos. Elle went back to the RE on 12/28 and all 3 embryos were transferred in!! She has the bw next Tues. Please pray that at least one of the embryos "stick"!!!!! So hopeful for her!

Love to the lovers!!! (You've touched my heart)

I want to extend some love and say a HUGE thank you to everyone (IRL and in cyber space)who have, after my last post, sent so many well wishes, loving words, and tremendous support. To everyone who were shocked, disgusted, upset, heartbroken and down right angry... alongside us! THANK YOU! It means so much to have such an outpouring of love....even from complete strangers. My last post has had a ton of page reads. Unfortunately I know that not all of the readers have been loving, positive, supportive people. Yes, "The Haters" (a nickname given to them by many of our supports) have read the post. Sadly none of them have shown (expressed) a shred of remorse, guilt or even disgust for their actions. Instead, they are using my post to further fuel their hateful flames and have made it their mission to show the post to as many people as they can, in a disgusting attempt to justify their abuse. "See....you see how evil she is? You see how it is her that starts all the drama by posting the (disgusting abusive) stuff we have done, on a public forum? Don't you see?" Sadly I know that they are doing this, and saying that, bc frankly....they told me they were going to! Try as they might, there is NO way to justify what they have done!!! It doesn't surprise me that they have taken the typical abusers stance, of blaming the victim. ("See, this is why we abuse them.....it is all bc she starts all the drama, by using a public place to post about the drama we had already done!!) This is disgusting and absurd!! Which leads me into my next thought....how is it even possible for me to have caused/started the drama by posting about the abuse (drama) that has already occurred?!! Not even possible! However, in their sick minds they seem to think that I deserve to be treated this way bc I "started" it all!!It is disgusting and awful....but it has been life for G and I for the past 6.5 years!! I pray that from this day forward, we will no longer know that life. As much as I know it hurts G (even though the abuse over the years has hurt tremendously more) he now must realize that for the good of himself, his children and the family that he has created.....this must come to an end, and every abuse must be over....every abuser out of our lives! So, thank you to the LOVERS :) you have truly touched my heart. It meant so much to have so many people validate my feelings. Telling me that this is indeed disgusting, abuse, wrong, crazy.................. THANK YOU

Welcome 2013 (a yr w/o drama, hopefully)

Hello, hope you all had a great Christmas! We certainly did here. :) I'll give you a recap of our Christmas festivities. During the day on Christmas Eve, G, the kids and I opened our presents to each other. It was so great to see Kiwi get so excited about the gifts we got her and to see Bubba attempt to unwrap his gifts, while crawling all over the place. LOL. Later that evening, we met up with my parents, brother (who flew in from London for the Holidays and is staying until after my sister's wedding,) and my cousin to see some amazing Christmas lights and we went out to dinner. (Oh, and had some delicious cupcakes too.) Christmas morning was all about Santa!!! Kiwi got the baby doll nursery care center she asked for a Bubba got his cozy coupe car! His little face when he saw it was so priceless!!!! He crawled to it immediately and wanted to test drive it take it for a spin. After Santa gifts, we headed over to my parents for lunch and to open presents with them and my brother (missed my sister and my brother in laws!!) Then we let the kids play while we waited for my Dad's side of the family to arrive for our annual Christmas dinner and Bunco! For the first year, I was NOT the biggest loser!!!! Not that I did well, in fact I was only 2 wins away from losing. It was actually a 3 way tie for biggest loser this year....and G was one of the losers! LOL. The day after Christmas was the day we had my Mom's side of the family over at our home. It was so much fun, we ate dinner and opened presents, then we went and walked a local cul-da-sac that does a large light display. So, for the most part we had a lovely Christmas!! Now.......for the drama that ALWAYS happens with G's side of the family..... Last year we decided that we were no longer going to do family holidays with G's family. I think the decision was mostly based on the fact that, as a couple (both G and I), we decided last year (after the whole incident that happened with MIL and visiting me at the hospital when I had Bubba) that MIL was no longer going to be an active part of our lives. (Even G doesn't speck to her, unless there is an emergency or something, the abuse was just way too much for us to keep turning a blind eye to.) We don't think it would be fair to ask his siblings to do a holiday get together with us, and not invite MIL. So, we just decided that we were done with large family gatherings with G's family. {However, we do still invite his siblings to our children's birthday parties....not that any of them came...and only 1 of his siblings even sent a gift for Bubba's birthday (no one else in his entire family sent a gift, nor even a card!!!!)} So, since we weren't doing Christmas with them, I mailed out one large package to BIL's home (since that is where they were doing Christmas) with gifts to both our nieces, BIL (and his wife), SIL and G's Grandma. Here is where the drama starts....... On the 26th, I sent G to the grocery store to buy some things we needed for the gathering at our home that day. He took Kiwi with him, as I had chores I needed to do to get the house ready for company. Only Kiwi came back inside we they got home....weird. I kept on working away, and finally decided to tell G to come in, thinking that he must be outside talking to the neighbors. Well, I was shocked when I opened the door and heard him YELLING and CUSSING!! He was on the phone with his Grandma. He had called (while with Kiwi) to see how their Christmas was and to make sure that they got their gift. She gave him hell!!!! From the bits and pieces that I heard from his end of the convo (I went outside many times during the hour long phone call yelling match, to ask him to please just hang up and come in and help. There was too much that needed to be done and time was passing while he was being yelled at, cussed out and verbally abused! he doesn't need that shit!!) I was so disgusted and outraged at her, his entire family, and the utter bat shit crazy, completely insane they all are!!! This is what she was saying the him (VENT to follow) 1) that I am a freeloader bc I am a SAHM!!! WTF!! That I haven't worked since we've been married?!?! I worked full-time (first in real estate and then as a nanny) until I was 6 months pregnant with Kiwi....then I work every fucking day and night as a SAHM!! 2) that I want G dead so I can get insurance money????? First, I do not want G dead. I love him very much, and even during our bad days, I have never wished him dead!! Second.....what insurance money? We don't have any insurance policy like that!!! (only home and car insurance!) 3) that I am evil, mean. Bitch!! No one likes me! That I am just like (and should be compared to) G's bio dad who was physically abusive and a deadbeat!! WTF!! I am not abusive in any way to my children nor my husband! If I was soooo evil, and mean than why did I take my precious time to write out Christmas card, wrap their gifts and package it all up....take it to a busy post office with a double stroller in tow... and mail those insane people their gifts (paying extra to make sure it got their on time!!!) Well, I can assure you that my time will not be used in the future to do anything nice for any of them! 4) that she (his Gma) is so stressed out of me that is she commits suicide bc of me, then his entire family is going to sue me!!!!!! WTF!! Does she think that that is something that is appropriate to say to your grandchild!! Is she insane!! SUE me?! 5) the thing that topped it off for me is when G was told to leave me, in order to make his family happy!!!!!!!!! OMGoodness!!! All I could do after the attack (despite wiping tears from my eyes bc of the awful things that were said, yet again, about me and bc of the pain that was inflicted on G....and despite having steam coming out of my ears!!) was ask G why he didn't just hang up on the bitch?? He said bc "they would've won" (huh? what does that mean?) He told me that he had things that needed to be said so that he had to stay on the phone to make sure he was able to say what "needed to be said." He can say those things until he's blue in the face, but they won't ever listen!!! For 6 and a half years, I have been patient while his entire family abused him, the kids and myself. I forgave and let all of them back into our lives many times. It wasn't until last December that I finally put my foot down and said that MIL was no longer going to be in my life or our children's lives bc of the abuse she had caused. (Until she can apologize to ME and vow to never do it again!! So, the ball is and has been in her court , so to say, waiting for her to grow up and actually do the right thing. Technically she is the one choosing not to be in our lives.) G (all on his own) decided that he was done with her abuse and stopped having her be an active part of his life to. I'm over their crazy, insane abuse!! No more!! If you are wondering how a simply phone call could turn so nasty (perhaps you haven't read my blog in the past...these people are INSANE) it was all bc we didn't send a gift to G's mom!!! Seriously!!!! She is not a part of our lives! But, the icing on the cake is.........MIL didn't even send a gift, not a card, not even a text/call/email to G to even wish him a Merry Christmas!!! He got abused, and his own mother didn't even send him anything!!! I hope the crazy old bitch G's Gma abused MIL just the same as she did him! Supposedly MIL was so upset about not getting a gift (even though she didn't send G anything) that Gma felt inclined to give her gift to MIL!!!!! INSANE!!!!!! .................................... ok, breathe in, breathe out! LOL. Well, onto 2013!! This year I'm hoping will be drama free (at least when it comes to his family) bc at this point neither G nor I want anything to do with any of them! On another, more cheerful note, may this new year bring blessings to everyone!!!! Happy 2013 all!

12 months old!!!!!!!!!!

It is so hard for me to believe that my little man, Bubba, is 12 months...1 year... old!! Time has flown. Sorry for the missed 11 month update. Life gets soooooo busy in October, with Halloween, then what seems like an eye blink later it's Thanksgiving and my birthday (Nov. 30th.) I barely have time to catch my breathe before Bubba's birthday (a mere 15 days after mine.) This year we decided to celebrate his birthday a week early. Kiwi took dance for the first time (and LOVED it!!!) She had her very first dance recital on the 8th. She was adorable and did such a great job!!! Made Mommy (Grandma and Great Grandma) tear up!! So, bc we had family coming from the next counties over for the recital, I decided to do Bubba's party that day too! (OMGoodness.....so much stress! Trying to get 3x a week rehearsals done, party planning and shopping, way too much cake made (double layer 14 inch round cake with two smaller cakes stacked on top and a separate smash cake).....not to mention the day of events (curling hair and getting Kiwi to the theater on time....watching the amazing show, quick lunch, massive stressed rush to do all the finishing touches minutes before the guests arrive!!!)It was a sports themed party and it was a blast!!! We even had a bounce house with slide, pinata and we played two party games! I think all the guests had a good time, thankfully. Bubba is doing well!! He can now stand without support and "talks" alot more than in the past. (Although he doesn't say coherent words. So opposite of Kiwi, who was singing songs and speaking in 3+ word sentences at 12 months.) My Mom taught him how to say "thank you" and he says that sometimes when prompted. He is just such a joy and happy boy! Kiwi is doing well too. She has decided that she has no interest in going to her preschool anymore. This past week she threw tantrums and I had to pick her up apx an hour and a half after dropping her off on Tues., then Thurs she refused to even go inside. She is now no longer attending that preschool. I go to two preschools on Tues to interview and tour those (one of which my bff has her daughter in, who is Kiwi's bff.) These 2 preschools are more academic based and are actual preschools opposed to the "school" she was at, which is more of a day care. Kiwi is looking forward to Christmas....having her Uncle B fly out form London next Weds., and possible Disney trip with him.....and then Aunt K's Vegas wedding in January!! I love the holiday season!! :) I can't wait to see my brother and then my sister. We bought Elf on the shelf for Kiwi and she has LOVED finding "Elvin, the Christmas Elf" (she named him) each morning! Today he was hanging on the Christmas tree. :) Here are some pics. Bubba's 11 and 12 month pics and a pic of the amazing birthday cake (I baked and my amazing Dad decorated!!) Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy New Year!! (On a sad note my prayers go out to all the families torn apart by the sickening shooting at Sandy Hook. God bless them all!!!!!)

UPDATES!! Bbba is 10 months! EA updaye!

Time for an update!!! It is so hard to imagine, but Bubba will be 1 yr old in apx 6 weeks!!!! He is now 10 1/2 months old! He is clapping and blowing kisses. He can say "hello" and "ORAH!" (which G taught him, it's a Marine Corps thing. LOL.) He is crawling all over the place and pulling up on everything. He stands very well while holding on (with one hand) to my index finger. He eats like a boy pig. (LOL.) Many months ago he managed to figure out how to fall climb out of his stationary exersaucer...well, this month he figured out how to get out of his other toy (the toy part stays still and there is a seat that rotates around it.) I now have to either have him in his high chair all the time to get anything done, or bribe him with food (snacks) in his toy to get him to actually stay in it. LOL. He is just doing so well. Yesterday was Halloween, which marked my 2nd Anniversary for this blog!! I can't believe it's been two years. Kiwi was Pooh bear and Bubba was Tigger this year. The kids had fun tick or treating and we had special treat, both Grandpa and Grammie walked around with us this yr bc my sister and her fiance came out from OR and stayed with G to pass out candy! It was sooooo great to see my sister! Now, for an EA update!!!! Our embryos shipped perfectly to the Adoptive Families clinic. On the 22nd of Oct, the AM (adoptive Mom) had her FET. This past Tues I received a picture text with a positive hpt!!! We were so excited!! Today was her beta bw....and we received some bad news!! Her beta was only 10!!! She does labs and more bw on Saturday! So, I'm asking for prayers. Please pray that the beta doubles....or if it is simply not God's will, that there will be peace and healing in the adoptive families hearts. Thank you. It is a very sad and tough day today....especially after such a big high on Tues.