12 months old!!!!!!!!!!

It is so hard for me to believe that my little man, Bubba, is 12 months...1 year... old!! Time has flown. Sorry for the missed 11 month update. Life gets soooooo busy in October, with Halloween, then what seems like an eye blink later it's Thanksgiving and my birthday (Nov. 30th.) I barely have time to catch my breathe before Bubba's birthday (a mere 15 days after mine.) This year we decided to celebrate his birthday a week early. Kiwi took dance for the first time (and LOVED it!!!) She had her very first dance recital on the 8th. She was adorable and did such a great job!!! Made Mommy (Grandma and Great Grandma) tear up!! So, bc we had family coming from the next counties over for the recital, I decided to do Bubba's party that day too! (OMGoodness.....so much stress! Trying to get 3x a week rehearsals done, party planning and shopping, way too much cake made (double layer 14 inch round cake with two smaller cakes stacked on top and a separate smash cake).....not to mention the day of events (curling hair and getting Kiwi to the theater on time....watching the amazing show, quick lunch, massive stressed rush to do all the finishing touches minutes before the guests arrive!!!)It was a sports themed party and it was a blast!!! We even had a bounce house with slide, pinata and we played two party games! I think all the guests had a good time, thankfully. Bubba is doing well!! He can now stand without support and "talks" alot more than in the past. (Although he doesn't say coherent words. So opposite of Kiwi, who was singing songs and speaking in 3+ word sentences at 12 months.) My Mom taught him how to say "thank you" and he says that sometimes when prompted. He is just such a joy and happy boy! Kiwi is doing well too. She has decided that she has no interest in going to her preschool anymore. This past week she threw tantrums and I had to pick her up apx an hour and a half after dropping her off on Tues., then Thurs she refused to even go inside. She is now no longer attending that preschool. I go to two preschools on Tues to interview and tour those (one of which my bff has her daughter in, who is Kiwi's bff.) These 2 preschools are more academic based and are actual preschools opposed to the "school" she was at, which is more of a day care. Kiwi is looking forward to Christmas....having her Uncle B fly out form London next Weds., and possible Disney trip with him.....and then Aunt K's Vegas wedding in January!! I love the holiday season!! :) I can't wait to see my brother and then my sister. We bought Elf on the shelf for Kiwi and she has LOVED finding "Elvin, the Christmas Elf" (she named him) each morning! Today he was hanging on the Christmas tree. :) Here are some pics. Bubba's 11 and 12 month pics and a pic of the amazing birthday cake (I baked and my amazing Dad decorated!!) Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy New Year!! (On a sad note my prayers go out to all the families torn apart by the sickening shooting at Sandy Hook. God bless them all!!!!!)

UPDATES!! Bbba is 10 months! EA updaye!

Time for an update!!! It is so hard to imagine, but Bubba will be 1 yr old in apx 6 weeks!!!! He is now 10 1/2 months old! He is clapping and blowing kisses. He can say "hello" and "ORAH!" (which G taught him, it's a Marine Corps thing. LOL.) He is crawling all over the place and pulling up on everything. He stands very well while holding on (with one hand) to my index finger. He eats like a boy pig. (LOL.) Many months ago he managed to figure out how to fall climb out of his stationary exersaucer...well, this month he figured out how to get out of his other toy (the toy part stays still and there is a seat that rotates around it.) I now have to either have him in his high chair all the time to get anything done, or bribe him with food (snacks) in his toy to get him to actually stay in it. LOL. He is just doing so well. Yesterday was Halloween, which marked my 2nd Anniversary for this blog!! I can't believe it's been two years. Kiwi was Pooh bear and Bubba was Tigger this year. The kids had fun tick or treating and we had special treat, both Grandpa and Grammie walked around with us this yr bc my sister and her fiance came out from OR and stayed with G to pass out candy! It was sooooo great to see my sister! Now, for an EA update!!!! Our embryos shipped perfectly to the Adoptive Families clinic. On the 22nd of Oct, the AM (adoptive Mom) had her FET. This past Tues I received a picture text with a positive hpt!!! We were so excited!! Today was her beta bw....and we received some bad news!! Her beta was only 10!!! She does labs and more bw on Saturday! So, I'm asking for prayers. Please pray that the beta doubles....or if it is simply not God's will, that there will be peace and healing in the adoptive families hearts. Thank you. It is a very sad and tough day today....especially after such a big high on Tues.

Bubba is 9 months old and an amazing EA update!!

First off, it is so hard for me to believe, but Bubba is 9 months old now! He is weighing in at 17 lbs 8 oz (10th%) and is 29 1/2 in. long (90th%). He is apx 8 lbs lighter than Kiwi, and 6 1/2 in shorter than her! He is crawling all over and pulling up on everything! He screams all the time now (mostly in mimic of Kiwi.) I hate that!! LOL. I have a constant headache. LOL. EA update: Well, this whole EA thing is moving along really quickly! :) WE matched, then very quickly got the contracts drafted, then signed and notarized. So, our embryos are now legally the adoptive couples!!! At this time, the adoptive mother will be going to her clinic for an u/s and mock transfer on CD1 (the day AF comes.) Which should be Oct. 1st.....yikes, so soon!!! (yikes in a good way! LOL. Although, I am nervous....and excited! LOL.) She will then get her meds (her clinic does not do injections. Just oral meds, suppositories and a patch of some sort.) Then, she'll have a lining check done sometime between CD1 and ovulation day, and if all looks good..... FET will be done MID OCTOBER!!!!!!! Crazy fast! I am so hopeful that this cycle works for them! Please pray for a smooth FET, and a positive pregnancy!! (Pray for a smooth pregnancy and delivery of a healthy baby/ies too, but one step at a time. LOL.)

8 months old.....crawling!! (and amazing EA update)

Hello all, Bubba is now 8 months old (actually 8.5, sorry it takes me so long to post.) As you can see, he is ot sitting in the rocking (glider) this month...I didn't want to risk it, as he is all over the place now. Also, he didn't wish to pose with Winter bear, instead he wanted to chew on him. LOL. Bubba is all over, like I mentioned. He pulls himself up to standing in his crib, he doesn't want to sit but instead wants to stand holding onto me. (He'll climb up my lap to stand if I sit down next to him while he's sitting.) Yesterday he crawled for the first time!!!! He went forward two knees! He's getting way too big too fast. He can also say "ada" for Dada and he has said "Mama" before. He still likes to wave, but now he'll also raise his arm up and down when I say "hip hip hooray ". Onto other news! After having to yet again go back to MW to in search of embryo adoptive parents...why you may be asking?? Well, bc the wonderful Mommy we choice is now naturally pregnant!!!!! Amazing news! I'm so happy for her. We originally picked them prior to Bubba's ivf, then a few months into the pregnancy, she got "THE call"that a baby boy was born. So, we found another match, and then they too got "The call." LOL. So, we put EA on hold and gave birth to and enjoyed Bubba for some time. Then, I contacted the first women again to see if she would be interested in adopting our embryos to grow her family. We were unofficially matched again, just waiting for the end of summer (when she wanted to start the process.) Low and behold...she naturally got pregnant! So, we went back to MW website and found 2 amazing couples. It was sooooooooo incredibly hard (and heartbreaking) to choice one, then tell the other couple we didn't pick them. Well, we have found a match!!! Right now their lawyer is looking over the EA contract. We're hoping to get the contracts signed w/in the next week or so....transferring the embryos to them legally! She still has many steps to go on her end before any FET, But, I'll keep you all posted!! :)

Kiwi is 3 years old !! Bubba is 7 months old!!

My goodness does time fly!! I can't believe that Kiwi is now 3 years old!! She had a great Pinkalicious party, followed by Disneyland on her actual birthday (an over night at my parents bc of the late hour we left Disneyland too,) followed by two days in a row at prechool (which she LOVRES,) and then ending that week with a day at the fair!! What a spoiled little princess I have. LOL. I love her so much and am so blessed to have her and blessed that I am able to do such fun things with. In other news, Bubba is now 7 months old! He can wave (started out with a very enthustastic whole arm pumping up and down wave. However now he sticks his arm up and waves with his four fingers.) He waves all the time now, literally. He'll just be sitting around waving to no one, the wall, etc. So adorable!! He even makes a "HHHH" sound when he does it...saying "hi" is my guess.

6 months old!!

Well, Bubba is 6 months old (June 15th.) I can't believe it!! Time flies. I also can't believe that Kiwi will be 3 years old in a few weeks!!! At his 6 month check up, he weighed in at 15 lbs and 13oz., which is the 10th percentile. (He was in the 50th percentile for weight at 2 months. No one is worried about his weight, especially bc he eats like a horse. He is now in stage 2 baby foods and eats at least one container at each feeding, if he doesn't have baby cereal. I'm not concerned, bc Kiwi was 16 lbs at age 1. LOL. I can't believe that at 6 months, Bubba, is what Kiwi weighed at 1.) He is also 28in long, a mere 8 inches shorter that his big sister! Wow! he's going to be a tall boy. (His height is in the upper 90th percentile.) Just after Bubba turned 6 months, I noticed that he had TWO teeth coming in on the bottom! TWO!!!! So, he has his first tooth teeth. He looks adorable! When we did Kiwi's 6 month pictures, she was just beginning to sit tripod style. Bubba hadn't even sat (tripod or any style) for more than 5 seconds w/o tumbling over. So, I worked with him a little bit as his picture appt approached. But, alas, no use, he would continue to fall w/in seconds. Well, low and behold, the appt arrives. I proceed to tell the photographer that he can't sit or even tripod, but we want to at least attempt a "sitting" pic, so, she had better be ready to click away quickly. So, I sat him on his booty, and what do you know, he sat....straight up....forever!! :) (You can see his 6 month picture from the photo shoot on the side bar. Below is the pic I took with his bear, Winter, on the day he actually turned 6 months.)I was so proud! But, I now realize that he is more like G than I ever knew, he likes to prove Mommy wrong. LOL. Nothing new happening here. G has began working 5 days at 10 hours a day. Oh how I miss his old 4 days a week at 10 hours schedule. (He had a 4 day weekend every other week.) We are getting everything ready for Kiwi's Pinkalicious 3rd b-day party. We are holding her party at a local indoor jump house place, followed by pizza. I am (as usual) planning to go way over board with PINK!!! I plan on making at least 3 dz cupcakes (chocolate with strawberry frosting, white pink cake with either pink frosting or Dun.can Hi.nes new frosting with the bubble gum mix ins, and then possibly strawberry cake with pink frosting.) I am also making pink rice crispy treats, pink popcorn, and pink cupcake cake pops! (Of course we'll have pink lemonade to drink and my parents already got 2 different colors of pink m&ms.) I can't wait for her party! I know she'll love it, so I'm so excited!!!

Firsts....and 5 months!!

It has been such a long time since I've blogged. It really has to do with the fact that I haven't updated my photos on my computer yet. I literally had a ton of pics sitting in my email to download. (I was amazed that I hadn't even made a folder for Bubba for month 5 yet, and he's nearly 6 months!!!) Sorry for the delay, naughty me. Bubba is 5 months old now (as of May 15th!) I can not believe it!! In 8 days he'll be six months old, that is just too hard to imagine! He has been doing so much more lately. After his 4 month check up, we started him on rice cereal. He has since progressed onto baby oatmeal, a week of sweet peas, a week of sweet potatoes, and tonight will be trying green beans for the first time! He is an AMAZING eater!! (So opposite of Kiwi.) He eats 4+ oz of cereal (rice or oatmeal) in the morning/afternoon now, and a container of baby food at dinner (he will sometimes even want more, so we make him more cereal.) Onto other firsts..... .....for Bubba, he has learned how to roll from tummy to back now. So he is a rolling machine. He also learned how to "sit up" in his bouncy chair (or anything else he can grab onto and pull himself into a sitting position.)He would always sit in his bouncy on the table during meals. One morning, I noticed that he was pulling himself into a sitting position. I moved his chair onto the floor, then went to wash the dishes, no sooner did I turn my back, had he totally sat up and flipped forward. (He is always buckled in, so he didn't fall out. ) His poor head was on the floor. Thank God I had moved the chair to the floor, he could've fallen off the table onto his head! So, no more bouncy chair for him!! He moves so much more than Kiwi ever did. He is now strictly in his exersaucer, which is not used to, so doesn't care for very much. I can barely get anything done. (Not that I could before the bouncy chair incident anyway.)Bubba also started blowing raspberries between months 4 and 5. He happily sticks out his adorable tongue and blows away. It is so cute!! .....for Kiwi.... Kiwi started preschool this week. She goes part time Tues. and Thurs. afternoons for 4 hours each day. G and I felt that she really needed the stimulation. I hated how much tv she was watching lately. I searched for a preschool that would teach her, not just a day care of babysitter. It was very hard to find one bc we are not morning people (sometimes we can't even make it downstairs for bfast before noon.) I found a brand new, in home daycare/ preschool. The owners attend our church, and the husband is involved with the children ministries there. So, they felt very comfortable. Kiwi is at preschool right now, which is why I have a minute to catch up. She loved her first class on Tues. and was really excited about going back again today. I hope she is being challenged and is learning something, and not just playing the entire time. (Of course play time is important too.) It is just so hard for me to believe that Kiwi will be 3 years old next month. I am in the process of planing her party now, a Pinkalious party!! :)(Kiwi's choice.) Nothing new is happening here. We took a mini family vacation Memorial Day weekend. We went to AZ, where G is from. Last Oct, G's Grandmother passed away. We spent a week in AZ at that time, but had to return to work before the ashes were ready. So, Memorial weekend was the first time that G and his siblings were able to get together and do an ash spreading. We spent Saturday with G's family (not the most comfortable experience for me.) We did the ash spreading, a high school grad party for G's cousin, and then celebrated our niece's 7th bday. (I had the unwanted pleasure of seeing my MIL at the two parties. I kept my distance and pretended that she wasn't even there. I also made sure that my children were kept away from her. But, of course, she had to start drama after our niece's party. She actually thought that G or his sister would hand Bubba over to her, against my wishes and behind my back. Se was furious when they didn't!!! )After that awkward day, we spent Sunday with G's old boyscout leader and her husband. That couple are amazing people! They actually came all the way to CA for our wedding too. (Actually G had more friends at the wedding, all making the drive from AZ, then the 2 family members who actually came.) They refer to themselves as Grandma and Grandpa to our kids. Oh man how I wish they were G's true blood parents. They invited us into their home for the entire afternoon and evening. Made us a huge meal, played with the kids, loved on all of us. (They even had goody tote bags for the kids.) There is no comparison between them and my real in laws. We felt so welcome, loved, warm from them. I had always been upset at the fact that my kids wouldn't have grandparents on G's side (bc of MIL's own actions, and bc G's dad and step dad are no longer in the picture at all.) After this trip, I feel relieved and so happy knowing that they do have amazing grandparents on his side, just not by blood. After that amazing day, we went to the Phoenix Zoo on Monday, it was toooooo hot, but we had a great time. Then we came back home Tues. Too short (the vacation part at least.) Here's Bubba's 5 month picture.

Bubba is 4 months old!!

OMGoodness, time flies! Bubba turned 4 months old this past Sunday. I can't believe how quickly time is passing.

This past Sunday we went to church (trying to make it a regular thing) and I gave in (up) and left Bubba in the nursery (the 0-6 month room. He had one on one care. They paged me to feed him, and we went to the "cry room" to do it, so I could still see and hear the sermon.) I guess I'm not as anal about everything like I was with Kiwi.

Bubba has found his feet this month and loves to kick them and hold them. He has also learned how to hold objects. He loves his rattle. It is so adorable to watch him shake it, and to play on his play mat. He grabs, bats, kicks his toys. He is rolling over pretty frequently now, back to tummy. He hasn't mastered how to roll back onto his back though. Sadly, Bubba is also losing his baby hair now too. (No long just the patch on the back of his head, but the hair on top.)Kiwi was a baldy for so long, it is sad to see his hair go.

He had his 4 month check (and shots) today. He is 26.5 in long (90%) and 14 lbs exactly (25% or 40%. I saw that bc the PA wrote 25% on the paper, but verbally told us 40%..??)We have been given the ok to start him on rice cereal mixed with breast milk or formula. Since I don't pump (due to mastitus,) I'm going to have to do formula. That has me feeling guilty and uneasy. I think with Kiwi we always did water. But she was NOT a fan of the cereal at all! The PA told me I could bottle feed or spoon feed it to him. (Spoon if he is able to hold his head up right while sitting.) I think I'll try him out in the bumbo chair.

So, some advice/ input please. We bought Earth's Best rice cereal and were given Gerber Good Start formula from the doc. Anyone have any input on either of those? With Kiwi we used Gerber cereal, but while shopping I compared the labels and there was so much stuff add to the Gerber cereal ingredients, so we choose Earth's Best.

Parenting, PAIL April monthly theme post

Hello all, I hope everyone had a great Easter. We had a wonderful day. We attended church for the first time as a family, and we all loved it! We then went to a minor league baseball game followed by an egg hunt on the field. We came home and did our own egg hunt, then went out to dinner.

PAIL monthly theme post this month is on parenting. What our parenting style is. I don't really think I have a style. I just do the best I can and hope/pray for the best. LOL. I am an easy going, go with the flow, push over, kind of Mom. I give in way too much, punish way too little. I believe that you should pick your battles. To me there is no reason to have a fight with my toddler over something small or that doesn't matter. (ex. if she wants to bring a toy in the car with us that is a "home" toy and I say no, I'll give in if she throws a fit bc in the end, her bringing the toy is not hurting anything, it would make her happy.) However, if it is something major, or would cause danger, I am firm! I always thought I'd be a "time out" Mom. However, the few times I've attempted to put Kiwi in time out have turned into disasters. I had to sit and physically hold her in place the last time I tried. All the other times, she just thinks it's a game. Even going as far as when playing asking me if she can go to time out, or acting out time out with her toys. LOL. I believe in open handed spanking on the bottom. However, I rarely do it. (I'll admit that I have been doing much more spanking since Bubba came. I don't know if I am just less patient, or if she is more naughty. I think a little of both, honestly. She just gets into everything now that I am not hovering over her. I've found her in the dishwasher, sitting in the freezer (we have a bottom pull out freezer), kitchen sink with he faucet on and on every counter top in the house.

G has accused me (as he thinks that it is a bad thing) of being a "helicopter parent." Because I always hover over Kiwi. He has also claimed that I spoiled her by holding her too much and cuddling her too much as a baby. I firmly believe that you can not spiol a baby by holding and giving love to them!!

I will admit, prior to having Bubba (as seriously, who has time to do it with an infant on your boob or hip,) that I was always hovering over Kiwi. However, I believe that bc of my constant "hovering" (playing with, reading to her) she is as smart as she is. She started talking at 9 months and was saying 3 word sentences/phrases before she was a year old! I feel extremely guilty now, since I have Bubba to care for....constantly, bc I can't give her all I feel she needs. I feel awful that she spends time watching tv (all educational shows) or movies so much now, instead of having me playing with her or reading to her constantly. She honestly doesn't seem to mind, as she is much more independent now. (She even asks me to leave so she can play alone. LOL.)

I never used a set schedule with feeding or bedtime with Kiwi, and I still don't with Bubba. I BF her, and do now with him. I feed on demand, and never enforced a nap for Kiwi (now Bubba) while she was a baby. I NEVER let her CIO (cry it out,) much to G's dismay. Both my kids were/are nursed to sleep. Which, was very difficult when Kiwi suddenly decided at 12.5 months that she was done with nursing. At that time, I finally gave in and bought a book (the sleep lady) to help teach me how to sleep train Kiwi. I ended up (with the help of the book) having to have her CIO a little in order to teach her to go to bed. I also set a bedtime (as before she would Be up until well after midnight with me.) We bath her between 8 and 8:30 pm, then it is book and bedtime. Sometimes she still crys (especially when she only wants me and not G.) I have Bubba on that same bedtime schedule now too. Makes it easier, as they share a wall. I get up at the slightest sound (fuss) from Bubba. I nurse him back to sleep. I just don't want Kiwi to wake up, and have both of them to put back to bed.

Kiwi was never much of a napper. When sleep training her (at 13 months) I finally decided that she needed a nap, or quite time at least. I would put her to bed between 3 and 3:30 every afternoon for "naptime" for 2 hours. When she was in her crib, she'd cry, but usually fall asleep at some point. When we upgraded her to her big girl (full size) bed this past Sept. (she was just over 2 yrs) she would rarely sleep. I needed the break though, as I was very pregnant with Bubba. I would lay her on her bed and give her a "naptime" with her door closed. She cried, threw fits, but eventually she'd play. "Naptime" ended when Bubba was born..... oh how I miss it. LOL.

So, basically, like I said, I'm a push over as a parent. But I love my kids and they really are great. (Kiwi is a very difficult, needy, stubborn child. Thankfully Bubba seems to be more mellow.)Where I am a hands on, laid back, raise my own children, push over Mama....G is the exact opposite. He is a strict, sit back and relax and let the kids raise themselves, quick to spank (and frequently does) kind of Daddy. So, our house is very interesting at times. LOL.

Let the good times ROLL.....

Oh what a week we had. :) mostly all fun and good times!

Last Monday the kids and I went to my parents ( about 40 miles away.) We then went to a local regional park. This park is amazing. Not only does it have play equipment, but a train, zoo and pony rides. They put on an Easter event that we went for. Kiwi bounced in a jump house, did an egg hunt, decorated a cookie and then we all rode the train and did a hay ride. It was so much fun! On Tuesday, we joined a friend of mine, along with her daughter who is Kiwi's bff, we went to the indoor play place we love. (my first time taking both kids w/o G or my parents to help with Kiwi.) It was great to catch up and the girls had a blast. Wed. I invited the same friend to join the kids and I at a local park that has a lake. We took a walk around the lake, then the girls played at the park. Then, our big weekend!

Friday G, the kids, my parents and I, along with the same friends, went to Disneyland! ( my parents and I have passes.) It was a blast and we were so happy G was able to go too. The kids and I stayed at my parents (G has school on sat.) Saturday was an egg hunt put on by the rotary club near my parents. After the activities, we went to the zoo inside the regional park. (We also got together with some family.) Fun day!

Sunday was a bad day. Kiwi woke at 3:30 am throwing up. poor baby was sick all day. :( She was feeling better yesterday, so we took the kids to the Circus! It was amazing, Kiwi had so much fun!

In other news.... Drum roll... Sunday night when I checked on Bubba before going to bed, he was laying completely on his right side, asleep. That scared me bc of SIDS. So, I gently rolled him onto his back. He immediately rolled into his side again. I tried one more time, but got the same result. Last night (early this morning) I went in to get him changed and feed and back to bed.... And..... He was on his tummy! Bubba rolled over!!

...... and into Spring!!!!!

I love Spring! It is so amazing! I love the sun shining, the birds chirping (unless sit is outside my bedroom window before I'm ready to wake up. LOL.) I just love the weather and the possibilities. I have an extra bounce in my step.

I've been taking Kiwi and Bubba out front the past few days so she can swing. She loves it, and I love being outside and feeling the breeze in our hair. Bubba seems to enjoy the outdoors as well.

Since it is so nice out, I may just have to put my newly purchased double stroller to use. Although I quickly lost the baby weight both times, I now have a different shape than I used to prior to kids. (Prior to Bubba even.) I'm not fond of the extra fat I now have in te tummy, butt and thighs. After having Kiwi, I would walk every day with friends. Kiwi loved going on our walks. Once we moved off base and back home, we'd walk twice a day. I was very happy to not only lose all the baby weight, all the medicine weight (ivf meds are a bitch,) BUT I was also to get back down to my ideal weight (30 lbs less than my pre prego/ivf weight.) All by the time she was 12 months old! I am now at my pre prego weight, I have yet to lose the extra ivf med weight. Not that I have even made any effort to work out. I've never been much of an exercise fan. I'm really hoping I can motivate myself to get out and take the kiddos for a walk, hopefully make It a regular thing. I just always think of the hassle that would go into taking two kids out. Getting them into the stroller is the easy part (usually.) Keeping Kiwi in the stroller, not so easy! LOL. G and I bought her a tricycle for her bday. She can't peddle it yet, but thankfully it has a handle for us to push her. She loves taking it out and riding. I'm just not a fan of the baby carrier. I have a bad neck, so it is painful to wear. Plus, awkward for both Bubba and I. I also have a sling, but I am always too scared to actually let go. I'm afraid he'll fall, which defeats the entire purpose of using it.

Enjoy the pics of my babies enjoy the great Spring filled outdoors. :) Have a wonderful day all.

moving on....

************* This post is about the ELEPHANT in the room. I am addressing it, and then will hopefully be able to move on. Feel free to not read if you wish, as it is about my personal life dramas and not IF related at all.********************

First, I will say that I am able to write this right now (while I am on "Mommy duty") bc sometimes I do get a very quick "ME" moment after we eat. Kiwi is happy and contact playing in her play area (and often tells me to "go away" so she can play alone. LOL.) Bubba is happy and content. So, I am in no way ignoring my children by getting on the computer to check my emails, fb and blogs.

Second, I love and adore my niece and I love my niece who is joining us next month. Just like the people who have abused us have to live with the consequences of their actions, by not having an active relationship with Kiwi or Bubba. I too have to live with the consequences of my reactions to their abuse! Which means that unfortunately I and my children are not an active part of our Niece's (their cousin) life! It is very painful!! Kiwi adores her cousin! Bc MIL is raising her, and I'm not comfortable with her around dme nor my children, we can;t see her. I have many times mentioned to G that we should contact our niece's father and see if we can get together with her. G has replied that it would cause to much drama and that they would never let us take her (with us to the zoo, etc.) anyways. How on earth could asking to spend time with her Aunt, Uncle and cousins cause drama?! I know that unfortunately we will not have a relationship with our new niece either....despite the fact that it has been thrown in our faces that "they would never keep the baby away from family." Family obviously doesn't include us. I feel that I have done everything in my power to assure that we would be an active part of our new niece' life. So sad!!

Okay, where to start. There is so much I want to say about this issue. This will probably come out all jumbled up. But at least it will be out and off my chest. As, that is the whole purpose of having a blog journal, get things out. I'm an honest and open person. Everything I have ever written here has actually accrued. Yesterday there was major back lash bc G was called by family members of his regarding things I have said in my posts. They've become upset by me writing the drama that has accrued. The abuse and negativity that they have done to us. Reading bad things about yourself (although truthful) must be hard and painful. It must be embarrassing to see your worst moments displayed on someone else's blog. Although some have apologized for their abusive actions, not all have. So, for some reading their shamful actions days, weeks, months or years after they occur ed sucks. But, just bc it has been awhile since the abuse happened, it is still a fresh wound for me!! Bc thi sis my blog an my place to vent things out (both the good an the bad,) I don't feel like a time frame needs to be kept. Like I have only a certain amt of time since the abuse to discuss it. IRL everyone knows how I feel about them.....like I know how they feel about me. I'm open and have always given any of the opportunity to be able to contact me. I have never blocked any of them, nor have I ever told them to "never contact me again." I'm more mature than that. I believe in the power of talking your issues out in order to resolve them. However, I have never been given the opportunity in return to do that. So, I vent to people IRL and then I vent on my blog or fb.

It is incredibly unfair that G had to be brought (yet again) into the middle of this (by getting phone calls and texts.) As he has NEVER read my blog! Many times on my blog I asked that if people get offended or upset by what is said, that they stop reading. (I even very clearly asked that G not be called.) I am the writer, these are MY thoughts feelings and opinions! Not his (although he usually has agreed with them.....at least until the phone rings.)

It is equally unfair that I'm being called out and told that I am an awful person (who has never been taught to only say something if it is nice.) Although people may not agree with me, I am able to say what ever I wish. Being asked to censor, or to remove, or to "only say nice things" is ridiculous! Has that favor been returned to me? NO WAY!!!!! I have been abused! Almost daily someone would call G and talk shit about me. Do they post it on their fb? YES, they have! Why am I the only person in the world who (according to them) has to "play nice." I did play nice for years! Even with the abuse I kept my mouth shut. I made sure that G, Kiwi and I always went to every family event we were able to attend. If we were in their area, I made sure that G called them to invite them to join us. Did that stop? YES!! It stooped when the disowning occured. G is so hurt by all the abuse, I am so hurt by all the abuse! BC of that, I had to make sure that my children would never be hurt by them and their abuse, so I distanced us from them. As any good parent would do. Abuse is abuse and abusers are abusers....wither they are family or strangers. It is our job as parents to protect our children from abuse and abusers!

If you were hurt by what I've said here, on my blog.....then I'm sorry that you read it. I react to the abuse by venting on here. You all know that we don't get along, and how IRL I feel, so why would you willing come on here to read what I have to say (after years of not giving a crap about me or my feelings before.)? That would be like going to a gay club if you are a homo-o-phob...... why do it?!

Another than I need to address is my post yesterday. Prior to the mother (I originally wrote about ) leaving, I expressed my thoughts and feelings about the issue. It is not my place to make the choice or decisions for her or her family. so I didn't feel the need to keep bringing it up and "beat a dead horse." I wrote what I felt. I honestly felt that this mother abandoned her child. (After calling G and raising hell about my post) The person was mature enough to contact me about the matter. I have since learned new things that I didn't know. Do I agree with her decision....HELL NO!!! But, I now know that she didn't abandon her child, as I had though to be the truth based on what I knew from her and the family for years. That makes me so HAPPY!!! I thought it was disgusting that someone was praising this persons mothering abilities, when she wasn't mothering. That is why i made the post. Like I said I have since talked ot the person and we have different views on the matter.....but I know in my heart now, that she Did not abandon her child. Which is great!

UPDATED!!!! Why are some people parents? (or, lack of parents)

I'm having to re-do this post, originally posted this afternoon bc, as I suspected (but genuinely hoped wouldn't happen) has happened. The phone call heard around the world (or through out my house...filled with (thankfully still)sleeping children) has happened. I've had this blog for over a year and a half. I have been less active lately, but have been making an attempt to "get back on the horse" so to say. Wanting to be an active Aunt, by following along with my SIL's pregnancy and commenting on her blog, has lead people I know IRL to my blog. (People who are not loving nor supportive of me nor my family.) Although I have many times said that my blog is MINE and everything I write is in my opinion and true based on the facts as I know them. (If I'm told half truths or untruths by others, I am unaware of them. I believe in honesty and assume that everyone is honest to me, as I am to them.)I have also made disclaimers twice asking people to stop reading my blog, to not return and (most recently) to not call G "to tell on me" if they are offended, the disclaimers have not be heard (or read, as this is a blog. LOL.) Because of the drama, yet again, I am forced to censor my blog!! I will do once and only once, as thi is MY blog, my journal and my place to share my journey in life, share my joys, sorrows, frustrations and to vent it all out! I would never tell anyone what they can or can't say on their own blog, fb, diary, journal, or whatever else. I read many blogs and have not always agreed with everything that has been said on all the blogs I follow. BUT, I have NEVER and would NEVER contact the blogger an ask them to remove such posts. As a grown women , if there is something I read, watch, see or hear that I don't like.....I make sure (or make every effort) not to return to the place I heard, watched it. All I've asked from anyone who has ever come here is that if you get offended or upset by what I say, then stop reading my blog and don't return! I don't want the drama IRL or in the blog world. THANK YOU!



This post was all about the lack of parenting that is all over the place today. As an IF, I had to work very hard to actually get my two miracles. So, it really upsets me when I know of people, or hear or see people who are parents, but really shouldn't be. Take those two sets of parents who left their children at two separate Chuck E. Cheese's a few weeks back. It sickens me!! I know people IRL who (trying to be nicer here) who,IMO, have done things that are not in their children's best interest. They claim that everything they do is for the kids, and justify leaving their child behind to be raised by someone else. I'm sorry if that offends anyone who has left their child and moved to other states for months, years, etc. Personally I feel that it is always in the child's best interest to be with their mother. (Obviously, not if there is any form of abuse.) Even if you would only be able to see your child 30 minutes a week. To me it would be better than only seeing them once (or twice) a year while using vacation time. To me being a mother is being there for your child in any and every way possible. (Not just sending money weekly, monthly, like a person would do if they didn't have full custody of the child. But emotionally, physically.)

*****I know that men and women in the military get deployed for 7-12 months at a time, I am in no way calling those folks bad parents. I am talking about people who choose to leave and not bring their child with them.********

That is all I can say at this time bc I have ruffled too many feathers and really, honetsly don't want the drama.

Reflecting..... and, do you know me in real life?

I have been writing this post in my head all day and night. (ALthough I still don't know how or what to say.) I know that it is a strange post to make, but I really feel that I should for many reasons. One reason is bc of the underlying issues regarding this post, I ended up going back and reading every post I've made....from day one!! It was lovely! :) I laughed, smiled, cringed.... :) Oh the memories. How wonderful blogging is in regards to journal keeping. I have all the details about Bubba's ivf process right here. Oh how I wish I knew about blogging when I was going through Kiwi's ivf process. It was amazing to see the exact dates of each step in the process.(For those of you still in the trenches of ivf/iui/adoption, once you finally get out, believe it or not, you sometimes forget the details. Not the war, mind you...but some of the smaller battles.)

Anyway, moving on to what I really want to say in this post. No one I know IRL (in Real Life) reads nor follows my blog. Some people know that I do have a blog, but I have never given away the url, nor have they asked for it. This blog was never intended for my friends or family to follow me on, as I have a fb for that. That being said, I have never followed anyone I know IRL blog either. However, w/in the last 7 months or so,I began following my SIL's blog for baby updates. If you have read my blog, then you know that I have MAJOR in law issues (to put it lightly. LOL.) I follow her blog even though I am not "friends" with my SIL, and I honestly don't think she likes me very much, not that she truly knows me (as I think that her opinions of me were preconceived based on what was told to her by other family members of G.) BUT, I was always close to my cousins, and ideally I want my children close to theirs (I am not naive enough to even believe that that is possible with the situation I have w/ my in laws, but one can hope.)Especially bc Bubba will be only 4 months older than our niece, his cousin, their daughter. I have followed her blog, and I leave comments frequently bc I love when people comment on my blog. (Let's you know that some one is reading and caring about what you write enough to take their time to tell you so with a comment.)

When I first starting commenting, I had gone into my profile on here and taken my blog url off. I did that bc in the past there was drama from G's family bc of what I said on my own fb page (my OWN page!!) I ended having to un-friend everyone I was fb friends w/ from G's family (even the ones who had never caused drama, been abusive, rude or mean) bc I didn't want the drama to continue every time someone read something they didn't like. So, I removed my blog info off my blogger profile. I didn't want the drama that I know could happen if they decided to read my blog and not like what they read. (I will say that I stand by the truthfulness of everything I have said on here.)

I realized when people were commenting on my PAIL monthly theme post, that I really needed to put my url back onto my profile. I figured if I wanted to have the community of PAIL, I would need to be able to have the people's blogs that I comment on be able to view my blog. Does that make since? When I read the comments on my post, I would click on the person who left the comments name, and then find their blog from there. I wanted to be able to thank them for reading my blog, and re-pay them by reading theirs.

So, my blog url is now back on my profile. Making it accessible and easy for anyone to see. So, bc of that, I'm stating my *Disclaimer* from my second post again........ If you get upset or offended by what I say, then don't read my blog. Please exit the page and don't come back. (Also, please do not call my husband and "tell on me.") If however, you do decided to stick around, follow me (as you can tell, I post pictures of the kids, updates on them....so you really may actually enjoy this blog,) and you some day decided to post a comment.....PLEASE be mindful that for privacy (or at least a sense of it) I don't state the kids nor my husbands IRL names. Please use the nicknames. THANK YOU!!! :)

Bubba is 3 months old!!!

OMGoodness, where has the time gone? It is so hard to believe that Bubba is already 3 months old!! My little man is growing way too fast. I had to take both kiddos to the doc last week bc of low grade temps (low 99s.) He weighed in at 13 lbs 1 oz!!! Kiwi, who is almost 2yr8m weighed in at 23 lbs 6 oz. He is so huge compared to her!! If I remember correctly, she was 16 lbs at 12 months.

Yesterday I changed Bubba's diaper then laid him in his crib so I could wash my hands before nursing him. When I came back, he was laying on his left side, facing the back of his crib (the wall.) He also rolled onto his side on other time that evening, and I yelled for G to come in to see it. So proud of my little man....but on the other hand, that means he'll be rolling over soon. Which, makes me nervous bc of SIDS. Being IF and having to go through so much just to get my miracle babies, I am always "waiting for the other shoe to drop." Like this all isn't real or forever or something. That some horrible thing will happen and my kids will be taken away from me. I know, I'm paranoid!! LOL. None the less, my Mom's friend had her son die from SIDS, so I do fear that. We used a wedge sleep positioner for Kiwi, but I tried it for a little bit w/ Bubba and it just seemed to uncomfortable or something for him.

Another thing he is doing in his crib, is moving. I am sick with a sinus infection right now, yesterday was hard on me. I put him in his crib for a nap, then I went to bed too. When he woke up (30 minutes later) I went to get him and he had turned 90 degrees!!! His head was at the front of his bed and his feet at the back (wall.) It was so strange!

He is also smiling all the time and laughing at loud (and LOUD he is!!) He also "talks" frequently as well. I am so in love with his babbles and smiles. He is just so adorable!!

UPDATE!!! I should have knocked on wood after writing that BFing post and saying how great we are doing at it. LOL. On Friday we had to take Bubba in to the doc bc of THRUSH!!! Yuck! So, we have had our first bump in the BF road. Hopefully that well be our last (knocking on wood. LOL.) In one week (as we took the kids in the Friday before for low grade fevers) he has gained 6 oz. He is now 13 lbs 7 oz!!!! HUGE boy! :) Bc of that, I am now going to have to exchange my last (unopened) box of size one diapers. They go to 14 lbs., but today I noticed that they are leaving red marks on his legs, like they are too tight. So, finishing up the ones I have left, then on to size 2s.....ALREADY!!! Kiwi is still in size 3.

Happy 100th Birthday Girl Scouts!!

Well, today marks the 100th birthday of Girl Scouts and I couldn't be prouder to say that I am (or was) a girl scout!!

Yesterday my Mom and I went (along with our very handsome date, Bubba) went to an alumnae tea for the 100th bday. It was great! At our table we had an 80 year old women who began her GS experience in the 1930s. She was a scout and her mother the leader. This women didn't have any children of her own, but at the age of 70 began her own GS troop, as the leader, for the girls in her apartment complex. She said that the girls needed something to do in the summer to stay busy. At the table next to ours, their was a family of 5 generations (YES...5!! All present)of GS. They were all there. The oldest women was 99 years old and started GS in the 1920s, her Great Great Granddaughter is a Daisy scout (kindergarten age.) WOW!!! That was so great to see. I know that I have 5 living generations of women in my family, on my Mom's side. Me being generation 4, Kiwi is 5. (On a side note, my parents are taking the kids and I to Vegas where my Grandma and Great Grandmother live, this weekend. It will be Bubba's first time meeting his Great Grandma and Great Great Grandmother.)

GS was so incredibly fun for me. I started at 4 yrs old, as a Daisy, with my Mom as my co-leader. I can still remember some activities we did....like making soap from scratch for our Mom's for Mother's day. I continued in GS until 7th grade when my family moved to a different city. (At that time my Mom had looked into Cadette troops for me to join, an had learned that they all were small troops with major "cliques" bc they had all known each other for years. So, I didn't join a troop again.) After moving, I continued to go to GS camp every summer, until my Junior Year of High School. I was a scout for 11 years!!! My Mom became a leader when I was 4, and continue leading me and then my younger sister for 20 years. (She continues for a few years even after my sis graduated and got her GS Gold award. My Mom wanted to see all of her "girls" get their gold!)

Scouting was a HUGE part of my childhood! Maybe bc of my Mom's involvement. We went camping, on outings, did service projects. It was amazing! I didn't get my Gold Award, but I am so proud that my sister did and that my Mom served girls for 20 years! Many of which did get their Gold.

Scouting is such an amazing thing for children!! I can't wait for Kiwi and Bubba to be old enough to be in..... of course I'll ask My Mom to be my co-leader. LOL. :)

*On a side note, my Dad and G are both Eagle Scouts in boy scouting!!!!

Breastfeeding: PAIL monthly theme post

Hello all,
In an attempt to try to jump start my blogging again (as I have been such a bad blogger since getting that BFP....last March!!) I have joined PAIL blogroll. (Parenting/Pregnant After Infertility and Loss.)Ideally I'd like to get back to blogging like I was prior to and during my ivf cycle.....and blogging to people. As I don't believe that anyone is even reading this anymore. Are you out there? :)I don't blame you if you have all gone away. It is my best intention to blog more frequently, so I will try my hardest to get on here and update, write more.

So, as part of the PAIL blogroll, they have monthly themes. This months theme is breastfeeding. I was so happy to see that theme, as I am (and was) an exclusive BFing Momma! So, here is my BF story:

Prior to getting pregnant with Kiwi (my now 2.5 year old daughter) I never really had any plan or even any preference one way or another, either Breast or formula. In fact I was a Nanny before I became a Mommy and I had cared for babies that were both breast and bottle (formula) feed. In fact I Nannied for one of my best friends from the time her baby boy was 6 weeks old until just after he turned one. From her experience (from what she told me,) I sort of assumed that everyone has a problem doing it. (Her LO never latched on and she had him on formula very quickly after birth.)

Once I did get pregnant, my view on BF changed greatly. G (my DH) was active duty Marine Corps., as with many military families, we qualified for WIC. WIC preaches breast is best and all the benefits that BF has. I quickly learned that BF was what I wanted to do for my children. Initially I was hopeful that I would be able to, but I wouldn't be devastated if I couldn't. (As I assumed that it would be hard bc of my friends experience.)

During my pregnancy, I became even more determined to BF for 12 months. I wanted to make sure I was giving my baby the best. When Kiwi was born I put her to the breast (skin on skin) as soon as I could. (I had a c-section, so I had to go to recovery before finally being able to see or hold her.) Kiwi had a horrible time latching on. I was so frustrated and remember crying in hysterics both nights in the hospital bc of this stupid BF!!! I kept asking G to get the nurse and have them bring formula. He didn't let me give up though. (That, and the fact that my day nurse was the BF Nazi! Seriously, she wouldn't even let me have a pacifier for Kiwi. The night nurse brought me one, but as soon as the day nurse came back on, she literally threw it away.) The lactation consultant brought us sugar water the first night Kiwi was born. So, G would put a few drops onto my nipple and then help me attempt to get Kiwi to latch! It was awful!!!!

I made it home from the hospital 2 days after she was born, majorly engorged and in tremendous pain. My SIL came to visit the baby and brought a breast pump with her. She told me to pump to help relieve some of the pain. So, I did.....BIG mistake (at least for me!) I pumped through the weekend (as I came home on a Saturday) and then called my OBGYN on Monday to see if the tremendous pain was normal. They made an emergency appt for me that same afternoon. I had double mastitis!!!!! 4 days after giving birth!! What the heck! The mastitus pain hurt me more than the c-section recovery pain. I was taking my vicodin bc of the pain in my chest, not my c-section.

BFing was not easy or pretty for Kiwi and I. When she was just a few months old I found blood in her stool. We ended up having to see a specialist (and have blood drawn daily for a week, in order to get enough blood for those damn blood tests they needed.) I had to go on this stupid elimination diet. Fist getting rid of dairy from my diet, then wheat/gluten, then nuts! It was awful I starved during the gluten stage. Everything I had at home contanted gluten, and we were in a very small military town that had no specialty stores to purchase such items. It ended up being that Kiwi had an aversion to nuts. I was off nuts for months, until Christmas, when I did a test (I just had to have this delicious candy that my Aunt makes, it contains nuts.) I was thrilled after eating (a ton) and not finding any blood in her stool after. :)Prior to the elimination diet, the doc had me put Kiwi on special formula to see if she was in fact allergic to my milk. Poor Kiwi wouldn't even drink the stuff. She never took to bottles at all! The only other time she had to go on a bottle was in November (a few months after the formula incident.) I really wanted to attend the Marine Corps ball with my husband, as it would be our last ball, since he got out. I pumped and saved my milk and Kiwi was feed my milk in a bottle that evening. Within days of the ball, I was in pain again. I went to see my on base doctor and found out that I AGAIN had double mastitis!!! OUCH! I learned that I just can not pump!! Every time I did, I got mastitis. (With the exception of the week that I had to have Kiwi on the formula. But that week I literally pumped every hour. Even waking up just to do so.)

Kiwi and I went through some really rough times with BFing, but we did it!!! I BFed her until she was 12 1/2 months. One day, she just simply didn't want it at all any more. I had met my original goal and I was very proud and happy that I kept trying and did it!

My BFing with Bubba (my 2.5 month old son) has been so wonderful. The exact opposite of Kiwi so far. He literally latched on immediately and has had a great and easy time nursing. We are doing great!! His Nurse Practitioner took me off dairy for 4 days a few weeks back. She thought that he may have a dairy intolerance bc of loud, explosive bowl movements (TMI, sorry.) But, during the 4 days I didn't notice any change what-so-ever in the BMs, so I am back eating dairy. This time around I will NOT pump!!! I have the same 12 month goal this time around. Which can be hard, bc I constantly have a baby glued to my boob. But, that is the price I will pay to make sure he gets the best....and that I don't get mastitis again!

2 months old!!!!

OMGoodness, time flies!!! Bubba is now (as of yesterday) 2 months old! (9 weeks old today.) He looks so much like a little man now. Especially in his 2 month picture. What a difference a month makes. He just looks so much more mature already.

At his appt yesterday, he weighed in at 11 lb. 9 oz, and was 23 inches long! Such a big boy!! He is in the 50th percentile. We are so not used to that, bc Kiwi is soooo petite. Bubba is literally half her weight, and she's 2 1/2 years old!!

I had taken Bubba in to the doc last Weds. bc he threw up (which has been happening off and on since birth) and it had yellow in it (which new.) The NP didn't sem fazed by the vomit, saying that if it was something serious he would vomit consistently, not a day here, then again a week later. But, she did say that his explosive bowel movements could be a sign of a dairy intolerance. So, I was off all dairy for 5 days. (That was hard, especially bc everything seemed to have milk, cheese, yogurt, ice cream, etc. in it.) We made it through and nothing seemed to change, so I am back on dairy.

Other than that, he is a happy and healthy baby boy! He smiles and laughs and coos. It is wonderful to hear. I'm in love. LOL.

Well, I better go. Kiwi is attempting to turn my chair around so she can climb into my lap....mean while Bubba is fussy in his bouncy chair. (He had his first shots yesterday. Fun times.)

One month old!

It is so hard to believe that Bubba is now over one month old! (5 weeks old today.) Time has flown. But it has been so crazy here! Two kids isn't as fun as I thought. LOL. At least not the day to day stuff. Kiwi and I are getting down stairs for breakfast later and later, usually around noon. Before Bubba, I would get her up and dressed and down by 11. Now, we are waking up earlier than we had been , and getting downstairs later. (It really is a handful to take care of a very needy toddler and an infant.) I'm constantly changing one of them or feeding one of them. (I bf Bubba, just as I did Kiwi.)It is so EXHAUSTING!!!!!!!!

At Bubba's 2 week appt (which was done at 2w5d, so he was nearly 3 weeks.) He weighed 9lbs, 1oz! He is such a big boy! We are so not used to that! As Kiwi was and still is VERY petite. Bubba is nearly half her weight already, and he is 1 month old.

We are all doing well, just trying to adjust as best as we can. :)

Introducing my little man!! (WAY overdue, sorry.)

Well, better (way) late than nerver....I hope. :) Sorry, I have been consumed with Baby G, Kiwi, Christmas and such.

First off, I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and are so far enjoying this new year!! We had a great Christmas time. My sister and her fiance (yes, finally engaged) flew out from OR on the 23rd, followed by my Brother and his partner flying here from London on the 29th. It was great to see my entire family.....and for them all to meet their new nephew. :)

I am so happy to announce that on Thursday, Dec. 15th via (planned) c-section, at 2:01 pm, weighing 8 lbs and 7 oz (HUGE compared to Kiwi) and 20 1/2 inches long...... Baby G was born!! He is healthy and doing great! We took him home that next Saturday and we have been all doing well and bonding as a family of 4. My Mom stayed with us for a week (until my sister flew in.) G took 2 days off work, but then had to return the following week. His work shuts down from the 23rd to the 2nd though, so it was great to have him home for those 11 days!

Since he is now here, we have given him a few nicknames...Bubba being the first. So, from this point on, I will refer to him as Bubba, instead of Baby G. :)

It is hard to believe that our little Bubba will be 4 weeks old this Thursday. Time has flown by. I'll try to do better at blogging. I will leave you now with some pictures, taken when he was one week old (if I can figure out how to add them. It's been awhile since I've done it.)